


Nathan after the portrait vault/ Getting through to Merula

by Village_outsideR



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry potter Hogwarts mystery
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Awkward Romance, Boggarts, Cursed Vaults (Harry Potter), Dark Magic, Depression, F/M, Fear of Death, Friendship, Hogwarts, Horcruxes, Insecurity, Insomnia, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mind/Mood Altering Substances, Mirror of Erised, Nightmares, Patronus, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Room of Requirement, Self-Harm, Slytherin, Substance Abuse, Teen Romance, Video Game: Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-12 05:43:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19561837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Village_outsideR/pseuds/Village_outsideR
Summary: i didn't really like the way JC torpedoed MC/ Merula's relationship, especially after they were getting closer to one another, and if you are like me and ship your character and hers, then its just a middle finger to you.So this story takes place a few days after the portrait vault during the fifth year, so MAJOR SPOILERS, i also make reference to some side quests, Howling Hallowe'en, Christmas at Hogwarts, birds of a feather, frog choir, celestial ball,  the patronus quest and first datei also reference the vault in year 3 and in year 4since i self inserted myself into my MC, have too much free time and a overactive imagination i needed to write this all down and get it out of my head. This is just what i wished could have happened between my MC/Merula, its how the last vault has affected my MC and his struggles to try and stay connected with Merulai'm sorry if i goof up some things i tried to use the harry potter wiki whenever i needed to, i'm just getting around to reading the books and making up for lost time, just trying to reconnect with my childhood love for the harry potter universejust hope you enjoy this is a serious divergence from what i normally write, it is a bit long fair warning





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> the "lullaby" lyrics that i wrote are actually from a song called "Smoke" its sung by a band called Sorority Noise, i used it because i was listening to it one day and just thought some of the lyrics did sound like something a mother would sing to her child

It was the middle of the night or was it sometime early in the morning? I forgot how long I had been awake, but the only somewhat calming thing was the fact that I woke up in the middle of the Slytherin common room. Lifting my head from the desk I looked around, seeing no one in sight but empty chairs and couches casting long shadows in the glow of the fireplace, a calming eerie green glow enveloped the room.

The only noise besides the soft crackling fire was the troll-like snoring of Barnaby Lee which echoed through the boy’s dorms and out into the common room, a small smile crept along my face, it should have felt good smiling but at this moment nothing really helped. Ever since what happened with Rakepick and the cursed vault, I felt hollow. It didn’t happen at first, maybe a few days and sleepless nights after did any good feelings were slipping away, it almost felt like the feeling I got after I was attacked by the dementor.

I didn’t even know how well the others were doing, Penny was just happy to have her sister back. To this day I don’t think she’s let Beatrice out of her sight, at least Bill and Charlie had each other to count on. But when Rowan tried to round up the group to consul me, I just pushed them all away, telling them that they’d spend their time better helping poor old Ben who seemed to be going through his own changes.

Come to think of it I hadn’t really seen him much at all, in fact the last time I heard someone seeing him was in the Gryffindor common room, I just hoped he’d get better. Meanwhile here I was alone, the first few days were at least bearable, thankfully Madam Pomfrey gave us all draught of peace and for some time things got better.

I started to feel my eyes getting heavier, my chest and head started to fall forward. Snapping my head back and shaking myself awake I rolled up my right sleeve, pulling a candle closer to me and holding my robes I held an untouched patch of my light brown forearm skin over the flame. The heat was intense widening my eyes I gritted my teeth with such force that I felt that they would chip and crack against each other, my heart started to race as the sound sizzling of skin entered my ear. The smell of burning hair invaded my nose as a sickle sized welt started to expand, my nails dug into my palm with such force that I started to bleed from tiny crescent cuts.

Letting out a quiet grunt I pulled my arm back to my chest sinking my left thumb onto the fresh wound. Pushing with so much force I was sure that I was sure that my thumb would go through one side and out the other. My heart finally started to calm down coming down to a solid slow heavy thumping.

After I could no longer feel the pain, I took my thumb away and looked at the other dozen or so burns that it now lived with. I had just as many if not more on the other arm. At this point I didn’t know what to do, so I took my small black leather-bound book with purple designs with me to the boy’s dorm. I was so relieved to see everyone was already dead asleep.

No doubt if Rowan saw my hidden tome, he’d recognize it even without the four lines of white text I scratched out with a knife, I even took away the cross designs for extra caution. Even though I read it at any chance with an obsessive vigor I was constantly looking over my shoulder in case anyone decided to walk up to or behind me during my reading time.

There wasn’t a shadow of doubt in my mind, Rowan must know about the book, maybe by name if not by cover. Taking no chances, I slipped the book into a small box that I enchanted with anti-theft and locking charms I was even thinking about adding hexes or curses to help protect it further. But I would have to wait to do that, in the meantime I buried it underneath a stack of clothes within my trunk and I was finally able to breathe steadily again.

He really should have been in Ravenclaw.

Slipping into my night wear I looked out the nearby window, looking out into the inky waters of the black lake glowing that strange green color I could see the vague outlines of things, of course the giant squid made a pass by. The sound of the swirling water was calming but my mind was still racing, I wondered if she was looking out into the waters too, she was only next door in the girl’s common room. There was no doubt she could see the same things or maybe more than me.

Why couldn’t I get her out of my mind, every night since the celestial ball all I could think about in the wee hours of the night was Merula. She was so beautiful that night, it seemed like we might have buried the hatchet. Maybe move on to a friendship, maybe something bigger. I even would’ve settled for just a working relationship, but now none of that seemed possible. Maybe if our first date went a little better, things would have worked out better, at least the highlight of our time together was the stargazing and what started out slowly as finger touching before we held hands, and just sat there.

The worst part is what Merula said. I tried in vain to help her, to reach out to her but she just pushed me away, I think it would have been better if she had just driven a dagger into my heart. Maybe if I hadn’t argued back to her, but I had to. I just couldn’t keep my big mouth shut.

I wondered that maybe if I just slept a little more, I could forget all about everything, I just wanted to forget. Why did I have to get involved with Rakepick, why did Jacob have to chase after the vaults. Sometimes I think about what if Jacob never discovered anything about the cursed vaults, maybe when it was my turn to come to Hogwarts Merula and I could have had something. Maybe she wouldn’t have been so antagonistic to me during our first year.

Reaching into my trunk and grabbing my extension enchanted satchel I rattled around the inside of it, feeling books, trinkets, vials and bottles as well as anything that could be used for any situation. I stashed everything that was keeping me from plummeting on the other side of sanity, or at least just a healthy dance on the line of it. Pulling out a small silver flask I took a more than healthy gulp of it quickly screwing on the cap and hiding it.  
Sleeping draught, the only thing that had me getting just enough sleep.  
At least in my dreams I could imagine things happening differently. My head flopped on the pillow and there was nothing.


	2. meeting friends over breakfast

The next morning Rowan shook me awake, how much time had passed. I had no idea, I could have been asleep for a few minutes an hour, or the sleeping draught could have worn off leaving me awake for who knows how long until I fell asleep again.

“Nathan! Wake up or you’ll miss breakfast!”

Picking up my glasses from the nightstand and rubbing the sleepiness from my eyes I let out a yawn as I fumbled with them, eventually getting the legs over my ears.  
“Alright, alright I’ll be there in a bit. Just let me wash up.”

“Just hurry up, Barnaby is saving a table for all our friends. And you know him if someone tries to sit there, he’s either liable to duel them or make friends with them and everyone they know.”

Reassuring him that I’d be there I went off to the prefect’s bathroom to clean up. Gathering my things, I began to head out until I heard that familiar voice that dripped with venom. Ducking out of sight I listen and heard Merula and Ismelda bickering.

“See I told you what would happen if you trusted that Rico boy. I knew I should have casted one of the unforgiveable curses on him outside the vault in the library. We surely would’ve broken the all curses and found their hidden power by now.”

“SHUT UP ALREADY ABOUT THE VAULTS ISMELDA! I don’t care about them anymore. I just want this year to end and forget everything. And stop talking about the unforgiveable curses, you don’t know anything about them! If you did or if you experienced what I went through you’d just shut up about them! And if you mention Rico one more time every time, I see you I’ll case the slug vomiting curse on you!”

“Alright, sorry Merula.” The drastic change from Merula’s screaming to Ismelda’s soft whisper was shocking, my ears were still ringing.  
She then took something out of her robes and tore it into two pieces, she tried to fling it into the fire but whatever it was fell short, not caring enough to finish the job she stormed away, muttering something under her breath while a sulking Ismelda followed behind. If I wasn’t careful, I thought there would be a schism in Slytherin house.  
Walking over to the fireplace I picked up two pieces of a torn photograph, it was the two of us sitting in the courtyard undeath a sky full of stars, my heart sunk as I saw the image come to life. The two of us switching between glancing deep into each other’s eyes smiling before looking back up at the sky where Merula stretched her arm out pointing or at least trying to point me towards the constellations. The rip was perfectly down the middle severing our clasped hands, I shoved the two pieces into my robes I told myself that later on I’d see if Reparo would work or maybe I would just have to use spellotape.

When I finally made my way to the prefects’ bathroom, I made sure I was alone before I took my shirt off. Looking at myself in the mirror I could hardly recognize myself. I had no idea how much weight I lost but now all my ribs were visible, and my robes hung loosely off my body, my prefect bridge wasn’t even visible anymore with the way the robes draped over themselves. I was constantly catching them under my feet, I even had to make a few extra notches on my belt to keep my pants up.

Sitting at the bottom of the small pool with my eyes open I listened to the swishing water feeling the coldness work its’ way into my bones. I opened my mouth and screamed the sound was drowned out as a froth of bubbles raced to the surface and then took a big breath of air trying to suck down as much water as I could. Choking and gagging as water filled the inside of my body but then suddenly by instinct I swam up and vomited water. Choking and gasping I flopped on the edge and curled into a ball. And then I cried, I hadn’t cried since I heard that Jacob disappeared, and my mother locked herself away in the attic.

Getting dressed I looked at myself again, it wasn’t just my ribs poking up through my skin that was new to my appearance. I had little things all over, my cheeks looked more sunken, I had bags under my eyes, my hair had a flatter greasy clumpy look to it. And even though it was jet black, on my temples were tiny colonies of white hair popping up. Even my tanned olive skin was looking a little paler, if I didn’t have a heartbeat, I’d say whoever once lived in this body left it a while ago.

Looks like Madam Pomfrey’s remedies weren’t going to save me this time I thought taking out a black flask sucking down my own draught of peace mix and for a slight second, I felt a little better. But I couldn’t stand in the bathroom all day, I needed to get on with my day.

Breakfast was nothing to write home about, as I entered the great hall, I saw each house divided amongst themselves but near the entrance at one end of the Slytherin table Barnaby stood up right scanning the room calling over the three Ravenclaws Tulip, Andre and Talbott. Badeea was nowhere to be seen she must be off somewhere painting or inventing another spell.

“Hey, Nathan come sit right here!” Barnaby’s loud boisterous voice echoed through the hall and for a second every pair of eyes was on me until they returned to their old conversations. But I knew at least half of them would be talking about my adventures in the cursed vault and what happened when we returned crashing near the high table. Or they were talking about how everything was normal until I came to Hogwarts no doubt blaming me for everything that’s been happening for the past five years.

“How you holding up Nathan? You look a little tired.” Penny’s cheerful songbird voice snapped me back to reality. Giving up on thinking about what everyone else was doing I answered back while scanning the room for Merula.

“I’m doing fine, just tired. You know thinking about everything that’s happened and what Jacob’s up to.”

“You’ve got to give it a rest Nathan you’ll drive yourself mad if you keep thinking about Rakepick and the vaults. Take a break if anyone’s earned one, it’s you.” I knew that Rowan had my back and best interests in mind but maybe if he had been there too, he’d understand why I couldn’t rest.

“You should eat Nathan, build up your strength I don’t think I’ve seen you eat at all since we returned.”

“I’m fine Bill really, if anything I’m just tired, besides I got a stomachache and I think eating is just gonna make it worse.” Brushing off my surrogate brother’s advice I pushed the plate of food they had prepared for me away and instead grabbed the goblet of pumpkin juice and began sipping from it, trying to hide a grimace, to me it just tasted sour and like bile. But then Beatrice looked at me with the eyes of a crup puppy who just had its favorite toy taken away.

“Nathan you need to eat something. The day after everything you looked fine but now it looks like you’re killing yourself. And if this is what you’re doing to yourself after you saved me, then I wish you never would’ve found the cursed vault.”

“Don’t say that Bea! This was the worst year of my life, I have no idea what I would have done if Nathan hadn’t figured out how to break the curse and you were still stuck in the vault.” Penny’s normally calm and chipper voice almost turned into a lion’s roar or at least a badger’s growl as she stamped her foot. That even surprised me but seeing how I painted her into a corner I decided to indulge my friends.

“Alright I’ll see if I can stomach something down.”

Picking off bits of a muffin I nibbled at them, maybe I thought I could stomach a few bits of sausage too, but it was too soon to tell. Even now as soon as they hit my stomach those bits of muffin hit like rocks, making my stomach twist and contort itself. It grumbled as it shrank feeling as if it were eating itself. I clamped my hand over my mouth trying to keep everything down.

I just hoped that I wouldn’t find myself in the bathroom later vomiting it up, by now if I did throw up after eating hardly anything came out. And if it did it would resemble tiny grey clumps covered in wet stringy mucus followed up but nothing but water and then a lot of dry heaving.

“Any of you know how Merula’s doing?” I asked looking around, I tried not to be obvious, but I paid more attention to Diego than the others since he knew her the best and hadn’t had a falling out with her like tulip did.

“We haven’t talked much but now that she’s back she asked me to log hours of practice with her at the dueling club. But now she’s wanting to learn more advance combat spells. She’s even dismissed my advice about learning more defensive spells, it looks like she only wants to learn how to hit hard and fast.”

“Could you keep an eye on her, try not to be obvious. Just keep me in the loop.”

“Sure, Nathan anything for the master curse breaker.” He said giving me a sly smile confusing me on what he meant by that, did he know what I was up to? But the way he smiled and fluttered his eyes made me wonder if there was some hidden meaning in it for me.

Slapping the table, I looked away. “Ok… moving on, Jae? How’s Ben coming along, he’s not here and I don’t see him sitting at the Gryffindor table.”

“Oh, I guess this is just one of his bad days. He didn’t want to leave but Professor McGonagall excused him from his studies considering what happened.”

The Gryffindor trio all sunk their heads down, they no doubt felt bad that they were unable help their housemate.

“Well I made sure he had company, and I bought him a bag loaded with sweets to cheer him up. I have a few first years up with him, though come to think of it now I just hope they don’t steal the sweets and run off leaving him alone.” Giving off a worried look as he rubbed his chin with his thumb and forefinger.

“I’d better check on him before class, hopefully I’ll miss a good chunk of transfiguration. No doubt McGonagall would excuse me for that.”

“Ever the altruist I see Jae Kim. But don’t worry Nathan Rico if those first years ran off and left Ben, Tonks and I will get them back.” Tulip grinned as she looked at Dennis adjusting the dung bomb that he carried on his back.

“That’s right Nathan, I been meaning to plan one last grand prank before summer holidays.” A mischievous smile crept along Tonks’ face as she pulled out a notebook with an enchanted lock, the book was at least four to five inches thick with pages sticking out of every corner.

“Wow I didn’t know you took notes Tonks.” Liz said grinning, “It always seems like you’re too busy mucking about in class.”

“Oh, I am Liz, this is just every prank idea I’ve ever thought up ever. In here somewhere is my magnum opus, and the greatest prank that will be remembered and talked about for all of Hogwarts’s history.”

Rowan gave a groan and rolled his eyes. “And here I thought we were finally done with all the pranking.”

I let out a long and heavy puff out of my nose, rubbing my temples. I hoped she couldn’t tell how frustrated it was to hear all of that especially considering I was still a little mad at her for ruining my date.

“Well that was different, now at least this is pranking people with a purpose. And at no point will mass destruction or possible death come into the equation.” No matter how much Tulip argued her point, looking back now I had to agree with Rowan about not wanting to see another prank for the rest of my Hogwarts days.

“I wish I had been in Gryffindor.” Barnaby said dejectedly.

“Why, being in Slytherin isn’t all that bad Barnaby, besides you’re one of the best and most kindhearted Slytherins we know.” Rowan said gleaming with pride popping out his chest to make the green and silver house sigil become more prominent.

“Thanks Rowan, but maybe if I was in Gryffindor, I’d be stronger and able to protect you guys better and help out Ben. Besides that, would also mean I’d be able to help him get over his fear of magical creatures more. And being with him in the Gryffindor common room with bags of sweets sounds nicer than going to class right now.”

“Well I can say that we could be doing a better job of watching after him. I think it’d be best if we took shifts being with him. Just until he’s better.” Jae and Charlie both were looking up at Bill, taking his advice to heart, they seemed to be doing that a bit more now that his Hogwarts career was almost over.

“Well I’d better head off guys, I have to make my way to History of Magic. And I don’t want to miss any chances of sleeping.”

As my friends wished me off, a sharp pain hit me in the chest and leg. Pressing my wrist against my chest I walked away from them, I rubbed my left thumb just above my left kneecap feeling the raised scar tissue. My heartbeat became slower and heavier, it felt as if there was a weight tied to it and it was just being pulled down to the earth.

Looking back at them I saw that they were all huddled together whispering, then Talbott gave a quick nod before Rowan noticed me and every pulled back sitting in a more relaxed manner, as I kept walking, I didn’t even notice Chiara.

“Oh, I’m so sorry! Nathan!” the bubbly Hufflepuff gave me a quick hug before I could react, pulling me in so tight that I think I heard my back pop, to avoid making this anymore awkward I quickly returned her hug. I just hoped she didn’t feel all my bones, get concerned about it and drag me to the tables and stuff me with food.

As she pulled back, she gave me an ear to ear smile. “It’s been a while, I’m sorry that I couldn’t make it to your meeting. There was a first year Hufflepuff who lost a photo album of her and her friends. I couldn’t leave without helping her find it.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. I’m just glad I was able to see you again before the holidays. But you did find her photo book, right?”

“We sure did, it had just fallen under her bed. Funny how things we love and lose turn up in familiar places.”

“I’m just glad I caught you. Or you caught me, I guess. How are you… you know with your…?”

“It’s, still manageable. I still can’t thank you enough for your help on Hallowe’en and for keeping my secret. And thanks for having me and Jae Kim meet, he’s been a big help with getting… well you know my medicine.”

“Glad to help, listen Chiara, I want to catch up more, but I’ve got to get to class.”

“It’s been fun, we should do this again before we leave for summer. And don’t forget you promised to help me find a cure for this, you can’t really do that if we don’t talk.” Walking away she gave a small smile and wave, I returned with a half-smile and a wave of my own. But what I saw behind her made my heart stop and the pain in my leg worsen.

Over her shoulder far away was Merula and from where I was standing, I could see her bright violet eyes glowing with rage as she narrowed them at me and Chiara as she sat by our friends, well just my friends now.

Walking away I noticed my limp was back, it had been doing so well up until now, why was it acting up now? I pushed it back from my head, that was it. It probably was just all in my head. For now, I just wanted to focus on classes, I would even pray for another exam if I felt it would distract me from my current situation. But I wasn’t that lucky.


	3. the boggart

Later that night it was my duty to walk the halls and check for students breaking curfew, my other fellow prefects offered to take my shift since I had been doing it so much lately. But I declined and as soon as I was sure I was out of sight of everyone I reached into my robes, taking out a bronze flask I drank a few sips of wide eye potion, as my eyes popped open I feel slightly more energized and felt the need to run down the halls.

So, I did I was flying down the corridors with my robes fluttering like the wings of a bird of prey. My steps echoing as they slammed down on the floors, I propelled myself further and further with each step. For the first time the feeling of my heart was racing and my lungs wheezing for air felt amazing, I could feel a smile on my face. I wish I could just do this forever, just run. Just run down every hall, staircase and corridor in Hogwarts forever, just run away from everything. But soon I couldn’t run anymore, and I just returned to a slow walk.

After burning off the extra energy my brain returned to its state, my eyes and chest felt heavy while underneath my hair it felt as if someone were frying my brain like they would an egg. Small twinges of pain ran up my legs and chest, lucky for me I was able to compose myself when I bumped into Charlie. We chatted for a bit, but I was able to quickly blow through the conversation.

I just needed and wanted to be alone, to blow off steam and aggression. I just needed to let go, otherwise I felt as if I would explode, if running wouldn’t help, I’d seek out another means. But by chance I found myself on the seventh floor, I’ve found myself wandering up there a few times earlier in my Hogwarts career, I knew what room I needed to use and how to summon it. And soon enough the wooden door appeared.

The door to the room of requirement. Looking over my shoulder I made sure no one could have followed me, but still throughout my patrol I had the creeping suspicion of eyes on me. It might just be my overly paranoid brain, and what few hours if not minutes of precious sleep I was running on, but at that moment I swore someone had been following me.

Even though I only heard my echoing footsteps floating through the castle I thought I heard another sound right behind it, but it might have just been Mrs. Norris or Peeves trying to mess with me. But after a few deep breathes I convinced myself it was nothing and gripping the handle I pushed it forward wide enough so I could see every direction, waiting for another minute I then closed it and turned around to see various small and large objects, as well as training dummies.

Everything I needed I thought. Whoever added this to the castle, whoever enchanted it was my favorite person now. Walking forward to the center of the room I drew my wand eleven and a quarter of an inch long, solid black glossy ebony with a dragon’s heartstring at the core. It almost seemed to burn in my hand, not as much as the candle’s flames on my flesh but a comforting goading glow that rushed up my hand into my heart.

It almost seemed to whisper to me, as if it knew what I wanted and was eager to oblige its master. Another dragon heartstring wand had found me and was willing to follow me, for that I felt lucky any other core I would feel as if it wouldn’t bring me to my full power, but one thought hung over my mind. But if there was another core that could make me an even more powerful wizard, I’d be tempted to take that one. Just the thought of who helped me acquire this fine wand made my blood boil, and the wand sensing this seemed to be giddy as if my anger was flowing into it making it stronger and before I knew it, I pulled my arm back.

And with a quick and furious swish whipped my arm forward twisting my wrist and aimed at an armchair, shouting with all my might. “Incendio!”

Flames shot out of the tip of my wand and swallowed the chair up making it into a smoldering heap, taking aim at a bookshelf filled with books I spun around and yelled “Depulso!”, the heavy bookshelf flew backwards crashing into chairs, pots and trophies sending them clattering all over the floor and books fly up into the air.

“Diffindo! Confringo! Bombarda! Deletrius! Descendo!”

I used every spell I learned and knew, things either were cut to pieces, exploded, flew across the room crashing into things or disappeared and stacks of objects fell to earth and were whipped around the room. I kept getting faster and faster, whipping my arm around making slashing motions, there were so many different colors shooting out from the tip of the wand I couldn’t keep up with them.

At one point I remember not saying anything I was just yelling and screaming. Letting all the raw emotion flow through my body, I focused on the spell word solely, imagined the light shooting out from the tip of my wand and the result of it. Waving and whipping my wand around I realized we were truly one, it now obeyed me fully.

Just by thinking did it understand what I wanted to be cast, one time I whipped my wand towards the training dummy and then a fiery orange bolt blasted out consuming the dummy making it explode into a dozen pieces.

I don’t know how long I went for, but by the end ash, soot, blast marks, exploded splinters and fragments littered the room. There was only a single leather chair in the center left untouched. Drenched in sweat and out of breath I slumped down in the chair, knocking down a small nightstand near it, its glowing orange embers still pulsing as if it were alive.

A sudden sting in my leg had me grasp it again, rubbing the scar. Why was it hurting now? Rubbing it with extreme amounts of pressure, I quickly waved my wand pointing the tip at everything in the room. “Reparo.” As everything clattered back together, I sheathed my leather holster on my left hip, then immediately started to feel around inside my robes for a flask or something else that could hold a remedy for my pain but then I heard it.

Thunk, thunk, rattle, rattle

I stood up so fast that I knocked the chair backwards and it landed with a loud clatter. I drew my wand instinctively and walked towards the noise.

Thunk, thunk, thunk, clatter, rattle, rattle

It grew louder and more frequent as I got closer to it almost as if whatever was making the noise knew I was getting closer to its source. My heart started to race as my mind rattled around for what could possibly be the source of the noise, but everything I came up with just didn’t seem to fit.

But when I made it to the back of the room in an untouched corner, I saw a large brown wooden chest with a brass metal lock on it. Taking a few steps forward with my wand drawn I readied myself with but immediately backed up when it shook and bounced again.

Taking a breath in I waved my arms in an over exaggerated S form and said with a shaky voice, “Cistem Aperio!”

The trunk blasted itself open, shaking backwards the lid clattering closed. I tried to steady my heart and prepare for anything. Not a moment later after the trunk settled, did it slowly start to open itself. The lid lifted maybe an inch or two and long white fingers slithered out, then in an instant the lid sprang open and black smoke poured out from it.

A pale white face with red eyes and tiny sharp teeth appeared cloaked in the blackest of robes, The Dark Lord Voldemort. No, a boggart, no doubt a straggler from the days when the vault of fear was open. Letting out a smirk at the boggart’s confused face I prepared to cast riddikulus and get rid of it, but just as I lifted my wand did it start to grin at me. But my eyes must have been playing tricks on me because for a split second I swore it wasn’t looking at me, just in my direction as if its true target was somewhere to my left.

Then in an instant it folded in on itself, changing colors rapidly growing, shrinking. Growing new limbs and losing them, but after it was done it flopped down on the floor. This time it was smaller than Voldemort, but it was still wearing a black robe, but slowly it opened its’ hands sliding them across the floor. Its knees and shoes squeaked along the floor as it curled up into a ball. It slowly unraveled itself its arms sliding forward across the floor, fingers spread out they looked dirty and pale, then the muscles tensed up.

Pushing itself up I saw what it was… it was me. But it wasn’t, the clothes were caked with mud and dirt, the skin was paler, and the eyes were milky. It opened its mouth and only a hoarse rasp came out. It changed my boggart changed! It lifted its right arm as it slowly shambled to me. It was my own corpse. I was dead, no the boggart… was. No, it was just trying to trick me it was just trying to scare me.

My heart was beating fast, too fast it felt as if it would rip itself free and burst through my chest or just simply explode making me drop dead at my feet and become just like it. My knees started to wobble, and my muscles turned into an icy jelly. I couldn’t keep upright, my breathing became quick and erratic, my chest was just sinking in on itself. I could feel my bones rattling, I just wanted to run, to get away from there but it was like my shoes were encased in cement.

Before another thought could enter my mind, the boggart changed again, and again. Each time it became one of my friends, their clothes just as dirty covered with blood, their skin pale with red slashes across their necks or animal bites on their bodies their veins were unnatural colors that popped up through their skin. Sometimes they were just so mutilated or rotted away that I couldn’t tell who they were at first or what was their cause of death, but it knew it had me. It grinned, the damn thing was grinning and as it got closer and closer my heart kept quickening, I gripped my chest.

Just as I thought nothing could be worst, it turned into Merula she looked the way she did in the great hall sitting down, tears about to stream in her eyes looking at me pleading. But then a flash of green light caused her to thrash for one second until she laid flat out on her back and I could swear for an instant her beautiful eyes went bright before all life faded from them as her soul was ripped away from her body. Her eyes… no its eyes empty but still staring accusingly at me in a way that said I caused this.

It knew it had me, because then it went back to changing into the others and then it spoke to me, the damn thing spoke to me.

“You did this to us Nathan. You killed us. You weren’t strong enough. You’re too weak, you’re obsession will kill us all.”

But then it just kept up the pressure and it turned back into Merula.

“Why didn’t you stop her Rico, you couldn’t stop there. You’re too weak. You let this happen you let Rakepick hurt me. You’ll never find your brother. You know this will end only in one way. You will die or you will end up getting one of us killed, leaving a rotting body in the last vault. Maybe you’ll end up killing one of us.”

“No, shut up! I won’t let it happen. It won’t happen, nobody will die. No one will die! I’ll make sure of it. Nobody has to die ever! Not under my watch! I Know how!”

“You’ll be all alone, we’ll leave and forget you. Your brother already left you, why not us too? There’s no way to stop this, we will all die. And you can’t stop this, for all you know we’re all dead already.”

“Shut up!”

“You could be in Saint Mungo’s screaming tied to a bed. Gone mad from the sight of our dead bodies. All because you weren’t strong enough. Of course, the coward lived. At what price will you go to cheat death?”

Before I could say anything else, the boggart changed back into me, but there were changes to it. He- it appeared more snake-like with glowing red eyes, and pale moon skin. The skin of the face seemed as if it were pulled back tightly, stretching it as it sunk into any little crevice of my face. And oh god the face, it lacked a nose, eye lids, lips and had no cheeks. It just had an open mouth with receding gums showing off the long skinny structure of my teeth. It was just a withered and emaciated thing. The ears were long and pointed clinging along the skull.

It opened its robes, something flopped out of it and landed at its feet. It was showing off that it almost completely lacked a torso, the thing was so skinny I could wrap my entire hand around its’ waist, thin skin stretched in an almost cone shape as it was pulled tightly around ribs and its spine, showing off every little nook and cranny of the bones. There were clumps of veins popping up through the skin, they were so purple that at times some of them appeared black, but at other points in the skin laid masses of worm-like growths that wiggled underneath the skin.

How could this thing have been anywhere near human? No, you idiot I told myself it’s not even human it’s just a boggart. It’s fooling you, there’s no way you could end up looking like that.

But my eyes didn’t linger on its body for long, because it gave off a dry giddy manic laughter as its eyes were lingering on the inside of its cloak. Tiny little pieces of jewelry and other trinkets lined the inside. I saw necklaces, bracelets, rings, earrings, a badge, pieces of cloth, a pair of glasses, a puffskein plush toy and what looked like a small belt. They were all either stitched into the cloth or they were dangling from strings, and they seemed to glow or have an unnerving aura around them. And I swear in the back of my mind I could hear them making an ear-piercing whine that was driving me crazy, each one had its own different pitch as if it had its own unique voice.

It seemed as if they were talking to me, no not so much as talking to me as it seemed as they were screaming at me, in anger or some deep sadness birthed from betrayal.

But as soon as I saw the puffskein, I knew what they all were. The puffskein was obvious that was Beatrice’s gift to me, the black glasses with the white frames were Rowan’s, the thing at its feet was the hat Ben wore to the celestial ball he loved… no he loves that thing.

A necklace of what looked like thick black pearls just like the one Penny wore to the ball, the red and gold head boy badge was obvious it was Bill’s, another necklace with a black cord and white beads was Tonks’. There was a gold necklace with a circle with a Z and a spark or a star on the side of it, the exact same one Tulip wore every single day.

There were several pieces of sterling silver, a bracelet and a set of three rings no doubt they belonged to Barnaby. Andre’s purple pride of Portree scarf, Charlie’s Hebridean Black dragon scale that I gave him, the necklace with a single swan feather that Talbott and I once searched so hard for.

Getting a closer look at the belt I saw it wasn’t a belt at all, but it was a tiny dog collar with a faded muddy tag that had FANG etched on it. A small gold and red coin purse that had Jae Kim’s initials on it, Badeea’s hijab, Liz’s green head band and Diego’s yellow scarf.

Dangling from its silver chain was a small silver moon… Chiara’s necklace, there was even Ismelda’s green Slytherin scarf. But it was the last item that almost stopped my heart and made it leap into my throat. It was a small plain necklace on a black metal string with three deep green pearls that were shined to a high polish as if this one was the most prized.

As soon as I saw it, I instantly remembered it, it was the exact same necklace Merula wore the night when I took her out to the celestial ball. Why was it there? Why were any of these things there? My mind raced to the most obvious answer. I just didn’t want to think about it. But here it was… staring right back at me. What did that mean, did I seriously think about doing that… was it somewhere in the back of my mind. No, I’d never do that, not to any of them… especially not Merula.

Then it opened its mouth.

“If you keep down this path this is what you’re going to become Nathan! You know what you study at home, all those books. All those secrets, we know what you want!”

I don’t know what happened next but, there it was the pain above my knee again. It snapped me back to reality, the pain was stronger than the fear and knowing what I had to do I turned and ran. I didn’t bother with the spell, there’s no way I could cast it now. My focus was off, I wanted to get away far away.

As I made my way throwing down anything I could behind myself I scrambled for the door, I waved my wand in front of my face at the door it flung open just a split second before I could point the tip at the door. I wasn’t about to question my good fortune. I was more worried about getting out.

“NATHAN!” it shrieked behind me, but as I crossed the threshold the door slammed shut and slowly disappeared the fading noise of the boggart calling out to me along with it. Slumping against the wall my inner pockets rattled until I found the black flask, drinking its entire contents I let out a sigh of relief as my heart finally entered a steady beating again. But I still felt like throwing up, I was shaking as beads of sweat ran down my face and my whole body felt like I just got out of an ice bath.

“Mental note, replace this one with a full calming draught flask.”

Having enough fun for the night I made my way back to the Slytherin common room, too tired to focus on anything my walking became a slow shuffle like a drunk, swaying back and forth. Reaching the door, I placed my hand near a green torch and whispered the password just enough to where the enchantment would hear it but not loud enough to where prying ears could pick it up, and surely but quietly the door swung open.

I must’ve tripped on my own feet or something because next thing I knew I slipped and fell face first on the stone floor, letting out a groan I got to my knees slowly before I stood up and closed the door behind me. And in the middle of the common room sat Rowan and Barnaby.

“Nathan!” Barnaby gleamed brightly, “We waited up for you, we just wanted to talk before you went out, but we missed you.”

“Yeah, sit down Nathan.” Rowan made a gesture to the sofa across them.

Taking my seat, I slumped as much as I could. “Can we hurry this along guys? I’m really tired.”

“Yeah, sure no problem Nathan. Barnaby and I just want a straight answer. Are you okay, after everything that’s happened in the vault? Can you look us in the eye and tell us… honestly that you’re doing fine?”

“Rowan I’m fine. It’s just been a long year, how you guys doing. How’s ben?”

“We’re fine Nathan, he’s getting better. But Rowan’s right you need to tell us the truth. Are you fine, really? We’re your friends we are the last people you should lie to.” He was having a hard time hiding the obvious pain in his voice.

“Yeah, Barnaby. I’m just tired, besides I think I just miss home. Things will be better there, but we can still write each other over the summer… it’s nice knowing you guys still want to check on me. Night.”

Getting up I quickly walked to my dorm, rubbing my scar the whole time. I didn’t care enough to see if they were whispering about me. Getting into my sleeping clothes I reached into my leather satchel and found my flask of sleeping draught. Drinking it I stared out into the night, and just as I heard footsteps, I dropped it back inside where it would land safely in my bag.

Hiding my glasses under my pillow I feigned sleep, but just as I drifted off for real, I heard them talking.

“Rowan, you don’t think that Nathan would lie to us… do you?’

“I don’t think he would Barnaby. But now, I don’t know. He’s been through so much. You know what’s weird, he knows so much about us all. Yet we hardly know anything about him outside his brother.”

“Yeah, he knows so much about me and my father. My life before I left to live at my grans’, but I don’t know anything about him. He’s such a good listener, but he never talks about himself.”

“Maybe we should bring it up with the rest of the group. Penny, Charlie or Bill might have more insight. But let’s leave it until tomorrow, night Barnaby.”  
“Good night Rowan.”


	4. our first talk, my worst nightmare

I don’t know how many straight hours of sleep I got that night, but whenever I closed my eyes, I’d just see that boggart. Changing into my friends and then myself, myself becoming something like Voldemort. That night my brain buzzed and burned more than ever, and my heart raced almost more than when I faced the boggart. I was drawing so many similarities between the two of us.

Two unordinary powerful wizards for their age, both Slytherin prefects who built a circle of friends who were the most powerful and talented witches and wizards. Someone who went far to accomplish their goals and who sought power and answers, people who were not afraid to go against near impossible odds.

Maybe even Dumbledore saw something inside me that worried him or made him want to keep a closer eye on me. That moment during the time with the dementor trouble when he asked me why I was wanting to learn the Patronus charm. It was true that I wanted to protect my friends and the school, but the underlying reason was simple.

I wanted to prove that I could do it. I wanted, no I needed to know that I was able to perform the charm. That I was one of the few wizards that could master it and conjure up a full body Patronus especially at my age.

What was it Dumbledore said? “Wanting to test and improve yourself is a respectable goal. However, ambition without regard for others or for your own safety is foolhardy at best… and a sign you’re traveling down a dangerous path at worse.”

And my Patronus came out as a leopard, fierce and powerful. Did he see some similarities with me and Voldemort? I could swear even though he tried to hide it, his eyes looked as if they were looking to the past as if he had a similar conversation with someone else.

But what seemed to really seal the suspicion that he was speaking from experience about having similar conversations or past troubles with another student was something he said about confronting darkness, “Sometimes we can become so fixated on confronting the darkness… that we fail to notice we have become consumed by it and have lost track of what’s really important.”

Further into the night after the potion wore off, time seemed to either be slowing down or going by in small flashes. With my eyes wide open it seemed that I would drift off or space out completely, it was as if I had fallen into a deep sleep for less than a minute and just as I became aware of it, I woke up jolting in my bed. Not being able to take it any more I snuck out into the common room, tiptoeing past a troll snoring Barnaby and a soft breathing Rowan whose bed was covered in at least five open books.

Lucky for me they were able to sleep easy and stay deep within their dreams, sneaking down I sat at desk leaning back in the chair staring at a freshly lit candle. Both of my sleeves were rolled up, my burn blisters filled with a pus like jelly bulged out from my skin, some had already started to heal and were loose clumps of skin.

My heart started to race again, I just needed some quick relief. I kept telling myself that I would stop soon. That this habit couldn’t keep going on. One day I was bound to be caught, but now I was too conditioned, every night at the exact same time I’d be around here or find a candle’s flame. But something in the back of my mind compelled me to have to burn myself twice, since I almost missed my appointment this night.

At this point, I saw that my arms were almost too filled by now for another few additions, but a thought entered my head like a whisper and so I held my left palm open wide as I could. Four inches above the flame, a small red sickle started to appear sizzling as fresh pink flesh was unearthed. Pretty soon it almost doubled in size, my heart pounded in slow heavy beats. Gripping my wrist, I steadied my hand, every instinct screamed at me to take my hand away.

But I knew I could go longer, but then my ears pricked up on footsteps coming from the dorms, whipping my hand away the air stung as my fist balled up instinctively. I made my hand so tight that the veins popped out and my knuckles turned white.

But that wasn’t the only pain I felt, a quick sting just above my knee my head snapped up to see Merula dressed in a white night gown. As quickly and as subtly as I could I slipped down my sleeves, my heart skipping a beat wondering if she knew my secret.

“What are you doing up?” she sneered.

“I’m just up. Couldn’t sleep, why do you care. I thought you were avoiding me anyways. Why bother talking to me if that’s the case.”

“I don’t care. It’s just no one is up this late without a reason.”

“Well what’s your reason then Merula? Why’re you here?”

“That’s none of your business Rico. And what’s that smell!” pinching her nose she furrowed her brow and looked around for what the cause of the smell could be, I just hoped she didn’t realize that it was my singed skin.

“And why is it always here around this time of night? Or later, whatever it just smells stronger right now. I feel like I’m going to vomit.”

“How would I know? It might just be you.”

“Rico if there’s anything here that stinks it’s you.”

“Anything else you’d like to add Merula or are you just going to stand there and insult me.”

Groaning she walked over to the couches and muttered, “If you’re gonna stay here shut up and leave me alone.”

I thought about saying, if you want me to leave just say it. But I didn’t something about her speaking this time lacked the usual venom or coldness she dealt out. She seemed tired or shaken. Sitting down on one she lifted her feet up and brought them to her side, she seemed wide awake, considering how late it was I wasn’t surprised. I felt the need to lie down, so I took the couch opposite her.

Rowan told me about the rumors of her drinking wide eye potion during some nights. Was this another potion night or could she simply not sleep tonight. She shifted her position bringing her knees to her chest. I wanted to bring up what happened with Rakepick and the vaults ask how she was doing, but I knew I wouldn’t get an answer, so I just laid stretched out on the couch. Lifting my feet up on the arm rest, rubbing my left knee.

She must have saw me, because she perked up just then and for a second, I swear I saw genuine concern on her face.

“Not that I care but… how’s your leg? I saw it bothering you in the great hall. And just now, come to think of it. It looks like it only hurts you when I’m around. And if that’s the case I might just have to be around you more often.”

“Well considering I was shot in the leg with an arrow by a centaur I think it’s doing just fine. As far as the pain goes, I think it’s all just in my head. But I’m glad that Torvus shot me in the leg rather than you.”

I was surprised to hear my sarcasm gradually turn into a voice that I hoped got the message across that I was happy she didn’t get hurt, but she was either thick or not wanting to show me her hand, because she retorted with.

“You can say that twice. Besides don’t forget you were the idiot who told me to stand back.” She let out a quiet halfhearted snicker.

“Well in case I forgot to say it, or you just don’t remember. You’re welcome again. Besides if you thought that was bad later that year when Bill, Charlie, Hagrid and I went to the dark forest vault. I got a wicked acromantula bite on my left arm. But lucky for me I had some anti-venom in my satchel. But I still have the scar to prove it.”

“I don’t believe it. Not only did you have dittany for your arrow wound, but now you’re telling me you carry acromantula anti-venom too?”

“Believe me or not. But it did happen Merula, besides I was just lucky that I keep my pockets well stocked. I just wished I remembered the dittany sooner, maybe I would have been able to avoid having a scar.”

“Whatever, they say seeing is believing… so show me.” Her sitting position shifted forward either in gross curiosity, wanting to see a battle scar or see how bad someone she felt close to was hurt.

“NO!” I felt my heart leap up from my stomach to my throat I shot straight off the couch and stared at her, that fact that I yelled almost screamed at her scared me, but from the look of surprise on her face. Her eyes wide as saucers, her mouth small and her grip on her knees grew tighter against her chest she was scared, even more than I was.

I didn’t know I could have a side like this to me and obviously she thought I couldn’t act like this either. She grew quiet and said something in a quiet voice that could have been “sorry”.

I let out a long sigh, gripping the hair on my temples, I flopped back on the couch raising my leg up again, pushing into the scar tissue trying to make it intentionally hurt this time, but no luck. “I’m sorry Merula. I’m so sorry.”

But before I could hear a response, I heard the pitter-patter of feet running away and sniffling. Slamming my head down against the couch cushion I called myself an idiot, by now I was too tired to try and crawl back up to my bed, I just closed my eyes and tried to drift off.

That night I had the worse dream that I might ever have had, I don’t really remember any of the nightmares I had as a child but this one would give them a run for their money. I was in a room made of black cobblestones, everything was dark except for small circles of light on the floor given off by candlelight. In the small circles you could see the ten spheres chart drawn in chalk, in my right handle I clutched my wand. And in my left, I held Merula’s celestial ball necklace.

She was tied up resting on her knees, on top of the chart. Tears in her eyes ruined her eye shadow causing it to run down in streaks to her chin. She looked at me her violet eyes flickering with fear and sadness, “Nathan… please. Don’t do it. I don’t want to die I haven’t seen my parents yet.”

Her words cut me deep, I tried to answer but I couldn’t… something caught my tongue and I couldn’t talk. A knot built up in my throat, I tried to choke back tears, but they were still finding their way out. I shook my head side to side, I tried to mouth what I wanted to say but nothing came to mind.

A sharp pointed wand jabbed me in the back of the head pushing me forward, a sharp growling voice said, “Get on with it Pip!”

Looking over my shoulder I saw Jacob standing in black robes staring at me with fire in his eyes, Rakepick stood in the corner looking at something hidden by her hands, no doubt whatever it was it’d help them find the next vault.

Why was he doing this? How could I believe him back in the portrait vault, was he really going to kill me if I didn’t do this? I could only squeak out “Why Jacob?”  
“Trust me, the only way you’re going to break the last curse is by doing this. Only a truly sullied soul can break the last curse, besides you’ve always had your nose in books like that. You were the coward who couldn’t let people go, you’re the coward whose so afraid of death. He’d kill the girl he loves to avoid it. Besides you’re the only one we know that could pull off this ritual.”

“I’m not doing it Jacob.”

“Then I kill her, and then you pip. You decide.”

“Nathan please, help me.” Now she was sobbing loudly, her cries echoing out in the dark and my heart was racing. Her tears dripped off her face and landed on the chalk marks slowly making tiny dots of them wash away.

I felt strange suddenly, even though my arm lifted itself up I felt as if something else were moving my body. But I knew the decision that was made, her eyes grew wide with fear as she realized what was happening, she pleaded even louder with me now. I knew what the secret to the curse was, you had to want to kill the person for it to be cast. All I could think was, is there some part of me that would kill her if it meant I wouldn’t die?

She screamed “No, please no! I love you don’t do this!” over and over again.

In the corner of my eye I could see the white smiles of Jacob and Rakepick, I finished the motion and with a half-hearted pained voice uttered “Avada Kedavra”, and with a flash of green light she thrashed for a single second before collapsing on her back and all the light left for her eyes.

I screamed, and shot up from the couch, my chest popped in and out rapidly as sweat soaked through my clothes and left an imprint on the couch. There was no settling my heart, I took in deep breaths and huffed out of my nose, I wondered if anyone heard that. I curled up back on the couch on my side, with my eyes wide open I wasn’t sure how I’d get back to sleep after that.

But I had to try.


	5. dumbledore's talk

I was restless throughout the night, so it was easy enough for me to wake up earlier than the others and avoid confronting them. So, I was able to have a bath before anyone else showed up. Luckily, we were excused form classes that day so while the rest of my friends meet up for a “study secession” I wandered around the castle, clad in a jean jacket with a red and black flannel underneath, dark jeans and a pair of dark brown tattered boots.

With no destination in mind I grew tired of the castle and thought I’d walk down to Hogsmeade, the thought of a nice butter beer was slightly comforting. Even the thought of being around people but not having them talk to you seemed like it would pull me out of my mind.

Just a little over the halfway point I felt a breeze and the sensation that I was being watched. Looking over my shoulder just for a second, I saw the shadow of a large bird, maybe an eagle but then it flew into the sun and I lost it, but it looked like it was flying towards Hogsmeade. Right then I decided just to head back to Hogwarts, no sense in hiding when your friends can literally have eyes in the skies.

I headed to the astronomy tower and leaned on the railing, peering out over the castle and looking down at all the students who ran around like ants down in the courtyards. I wondered must be going on inside their minds, if they feared the vaults or, did they just count on me and the teachers to protect them. I was jealous of them, of their lives. How they never knew true fear, never had to face death or betrayal. Whose family name wasn’t tarnished, who had a chance to be normal. Or as normal as life in the wizarding world could be.

I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn’t notice the footsteps behind me. Until I heard a voice say, “Is this any way to spend a day without classes Nathan?”

Whipping my head around I saw Professor Dumbledore standing in the center of the room.

“Oh, Professor Dumbledore. I-I guess not. I don’t know, I just felt that I needed to be alone today.”

“Did you feel the need, or do you need to be alone?”

“Maybe just a little bit of both, Professor.”

Shuffling closer he took his own spot leaning against the railing.

“What’s on your mind Nathan, the only times we intentionally distant ourselves from others is when our minds are weighed heavily by troubles. And I sense that you have your own troubles.” He spoke in his normal slow-like manner as if he were carefully selecting each word to convey his thoughts.

Letting out a heavy breath, I tried to find a way to word what I was going to say to Dumbledore, but he must have seen me struggling because he spoke up again.

“If you can’t talk about what happened with Patricia Rakepick and the events inside the cursed vault again, I understand. But the events inside the room of requirement are an entirely different beast.”

My heart raced at the thought of what Dumbledore knew about what happened there, what would he want to talk about. Was I in trouble for the magic use or did he want to talk about the boggart I encountered?

“How did you know anything about that Professor?”

“It is my duty as headmaster to have a good ear and know the going-ons of the school and its students. But yes, I do know about your troubles with the boggart, and I know about your stress reliving activities of casting spells to destroy objects while it can be cathartic it doesn’t do any good in the end. But focusing on your boggart do you have any idea why it changed?”

“I guess after facing the vault of fear I felt as if… I had defeated Voldemort. Or at least the boggart Voldemort, I dueled against one of the worse the wizarding world has to offer. But now… I don’t know. After the portrait cursed vault and Rakepick’s betrayal, I have no idea. I just felt changed, I feel scared all the time. And I feel as if I’m always worried about something.”

Nodding his head slightly, “Do you remember how you felt when Madam Rakepick attacked your friends and performed the Cruciatus curse on Miss Snyde?”  
“In the moment I felt nothing first, but looking back I felt nothing but anger, fear and weakness. I couldn’t do anything to stop her, except use the garroting gas against her. No spell I used worked against her she was too powerful.”

“It is undeniably true that Madam Rakepick is indeed a powerful witch, you needn’t blame yourself for being unable to defeat her. But what other thoughts have crossed your mind.”

Letting out a shaky breath as my heart and lungs shriveled up and quivered.

“I thought that could be the end. My friends and I faced different challenges, but we always came out clean on the other side. Some of them almost seemed impossible but, we beat them. Only this time… this time we were beat. This is the first time that I was afraid for all our lives.”

“And what did you feel upon seeing Miss Snyde?”

He asked again, he knew I was delaying answering the question. I continuously ran my hand through my hair, thin strands falling out and flying off in the breeze.

“The noises she made… I can’t get it out of my head. The way she looked, I couldn’t do anything to stop it or prevent it. It’s all my fault I should have seen that Rakepick was against us from the start, but she fooled all of us. My friends could have all died… and I wouldn’t be able to stop it. For the first time I felt as if I wasn’t strong enough.”

“And so, your boggart manifested itself into these new fears, you and your friends’ dead bodies. Your fear of death and not being in control, and the responsibility you feel for them and your ability to not let them go. Only now do you see how fragile life is and how easily it can be taken away and seeing the Cruciatus curse performed on an innocent firsthand does leave a mark on the mind and heart.”

“But that doesn’t explain… what happened last.”

“I assume you’re refereeing to when the boggart changed into a corrupted version of yourself in the form of Voldemort?”

“Professor, I was racking my brains all night for an answer. All I thought about was how many similarities we share, but when I told you why I was trying to learn the Patronus charm it seemed as if you had a similar conversation some other time.”

Letting out a sigh he looked me in the eye.

“Nathan… I am going to let you in on a well-hidden secret, and yes, it is another trait you and Voldemort share. The two of you do indeed share a boggart. The sight of your own dead body, the difference is that he only saw himself while you not only saw yourself but also your friends. Voldemort only cares about himself, you however worry not only about your life but about your loved ones as well.”

“But what about the other similarities?”

“Nathan, while the two of you share a house and the ambition that drives your choices, as well as a drive to prove yourselves as extraordinarily powerful wizards and master difficult forms of magic. Any other similar things that you might have connected between the two of you pale in comparison. Yes, the two of you surrounded yourselves with powerful witches and wizards all a credit to their own houses, but there is one difference in that regard.”

“What’s that professor?”

“While you share a mind-set to do the best in every field, there was one thing Voldemort could never master. Friendship… he had many people under him, but they did so out of fear, or they were drunk off his power. His powers of manipulation led them into believing they could be of equal status to him, but he never would allow anyone to rival him. However, you have sacrificed and gone out willingly to help your friends, and when they look at you, they have a look of gratitude and love that Voldemort could never receive. He would never go out of his way to help anyone, unless he believed they could be of use to him.”

“And I helped my friends because they were my friends, I never promised them anything other than I would be truthful to them and I would help them with any problem. I’ve even helped people who weren’t really my friends, like with Ismelda and her crush on Barnaby.”

“Yes, also very true, but the two of you also fear the feeling of being powerless against outside forces, but death is nothing to fear Nathan. It is only the end of good things and the start of something new.”

“But what about that look you gave me?”

“Nathan it wasn’t that long ago that I was a young wizard who was seeking power to achieve his own goals, no matter the cost. And my warning rings true, that the road to power can make you forget the important things in life, and it can lead you down a dark road leaving you with regret. And there are things in my past I truly regret, whether when I acted on them if I believed they were right or wrong.”

At that moment I could sense some raw emotion in his voice, but I didn’t want to pry into his business. It seemed as if he thought about it enough.

“But how will I know if the choices or life I lead are the right ones sir?”

“That is the big question Nathan, but there is a quote I like to remember in such times and believe it or not, it was said by a man perhaps wiser than me and before my time. Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

“That’s actually… beautiful. I just wish I could have been around to pick that wizard’s brain.”

“That piece of philosophy was actually said by a muggle Nathan a man by the name of Soren Kierkegaard. Remember this Nathan never assume the abilities of someone due to their lot in life, and whether someone is magical or not they just might have something to teach you.”

Smirking a little bit, I remembered what Professor Snape had told me before the celestial ball.

“That reminds me of Professor Snape, when I asked him for advice about finding a date for the celestial ball, he told me. He said, Thinking won’t work. It’s one’s heart that does the choosing, often against better judgement. And that’s what gave me the courage to ask out my date.”

He chuckled at that, but in a way that showed he wasn’t surprised at this side of Snape almost as if he knew about it in secret.

“Another fine example believe me Nathan. Professor Snape is far more complicated than either of us both know, and in time he may continue to surprise you. For better or for worse. And which lucky student did you end up taking to the ball?”

I felt my heart leap a little bit. But it also sank back just as quickly.

“Merula Snyde.” I answered quickly in a quiet voice, I could almost feel my cheeks and chest burning.

“I might have guessed so, she does show an interest in you, now the way she displays it might shows otherwise. Even despite what might have happened in your first year. It always seems that your paths continue to cross, regards of all that you do.”

“How did you know it was her?”

“A small half smile and a gaze that looks off in the distance appears in your eyes whenever you say her name. As well as your reddening face. That and you seemed to focus heavily on her well-being after the incident in het vault, despite her wishes. But don’t neglect your other friends in your attempts to save one.”

“Sir?”

“I have been receiving many letters from your friends. Especially from Mr. Khanna he is clearly very worried about your well-being, and from what I can decipher from Mr. Lee’s letters which is a feat in of itself he is worried as well. He does indeed need to work on his penmanship and spelling. But I do agree that whether she admits it or not. Miss Snyde would be grateful for your help.”

“But Professor, she told me to leave her alone. And whenever we do talk… we almost fight all the time.”

Letting out a sigh that clearly indicated that he either went through similar events with someone he fancied or has seen several other students go through the same problems.

“Sometimes people make what they want unclear, Nathan. Sometimes we push people away as to not be hurt since if we never let anyone in our lives, they won’t hurt us when they leave, but being alone would be even more painful than that. But in her case, she may be pushing you away to see how dedicated you are in trying to be her friend, to see whether you’ll truly stay with her. I’ve seen it too many times to count Nathan and I might be guilty having done both.”

“So, I should talk to her. Make her see that I won’t abandon her. That I won’t hurt her, but still it doesn’t seem like a healthy way to live Sir. Eventually people are just going to give up trying to become close to her. But still something tells me not to give up.”

“I would refer you to Professor Snape’s advice, and sometimes the ones who put up the most walls, are the ones worth getting to know and call a friend.”

“Thank you for this talk Professor… I think it helped a lot. I enjoy our talks.”

“As do I Nathan, just continue on your path and I believe you’ll make an exceptional wizard.”

Walking into the observatory tower, I made a mental plan to seek our Merula. But before heading down the stairs something made me turn around and ask.

“How do I make sure I don’t end up becoming like Voldemort, sir?”

“By keeping the ones you love close Nathan and enjoying their presence while you both live. But most important of all, know when to restrain yourself on your quest to become the wizard you know you can be. Because no matter the goal, there is always a choice that we feel will get us there faster, but the consequences might make us resent ever dreaming of that goal to begin with. But most importantly, do not fear death. It is merely the next thing to come, immortality might seem a preferable option but the path down it may cause your existence to be sullied and painful. It is best to enjoy life while alive, make it one worth living and try not to put things off you’d regret not doing today only to end up doing them tomorrow.”

“Thank you, Professor… for everything.”

“I know you’ll do well in life Nathan.”

Leaving the tower, I searched the entire castle for Merula, but I guess I was just unlucky that day, looks like I would have to wait the rest of the day and night if I wanted to talk with her. Maybe I’d get lucky and run into her in the common room, maybe then we could talk but I would rather have her alone so no prying ears could interrupt us.

When it was finally dinner, I hung around the end of the table hoping to catch a glimpse of her, hopefully she would show up sooner or later, or I could pick her out from the crowd. But I had no luck, she was a no show. Thankfully I saw Barnaby walk through the doors of the great hall, calling out to him I jogged over to him. A pang of guilt and fear racked my body as I caught sight of his jewelry, I could feel an icicle piercing my chest.

“Nathan! I’m glad to see you, nobody knew where you were at all day. We all went down to Hogsmeade hoping you’d go there, but I guess you decided not to go. But the butterbeer was excellent as always.”

“Yeah I got caught up in some things. Hey, I was wondering if you saw Merula at all today?”

His normally cheery eyes and face melted away in an instant.

“Nobody’s seen her at all today Nathan, I don’t think anyone saw her in the common room this morning. But I think Ismelda said that she spent the day in one of the girl’s bathroom crying. I’m not sure though, the last time I remember Merula crying was when you beat her in a duel.”

“I didn’t really make her cry, did I?” Wincing I was hoping I’d like the answer I’d get.

“Well you did beat her in front of the school, after she said she was the most powerful witch at Hogwarts, you used an advanced spell and she got in trouble with the teachers, you also brought up her parents and said everybody wished she was gone. If all that didn’t make her cry, you probably just embarrassed her.”

I felt that answer sting deep.

“I was hoping to talk with her. But I might have to wait until tomorrow, I just hope I see her before then.”

“Well there’s always tomorrow Nathan, now come on! Let’s go eat!” he gave me a punch in my arm, it might’ve had more force than he meant to put behind it because next thing I know it felt like my muscles were cramping up and my arm went dead.

Rubbing my shoulder, a little, I smiled and said. “Yeah, eating sounds good right now.”

That was a lie, even though I loaded my plate up with things I previously loved eating now after the first bite, everything just tasted sour and off. Turning into a thick paste anything and everything left a nasty trail of slime as it entered my stomach, landing like stacks of bricks.

I tried eating more, or at least slowly but still after anything touched my stomach it began to twist into knots, it gurgled as the stomach acid was rejecting the food. As I felt it shrink and expand, I got up telling Barnaby that I was full and how I’d meet him back in the common room.

He didn’t question it and I was glad, with the way my stomach felt like it had just burst and began to melt my insides I was hoping to find some relief. I almost ran out of the great hall, while trying to think of a bathroom that was out of the way where no one could walk in but just close enough so I could make it without vomiting on myself.

Finally finding a place I dashed into the bathroom, practically slamming into the door with so much force that it almost was ripped from its hinges. Falling to my knees I began retching, my stomach squeezed itself as it shrank, I felt a lump making its way up my throat until a mass crawled past my chest.

And then the chewed up, partially digested remains of who knows what shot out, splattering into the toilet bowl. My throat burned as bile and stomach acid made their way out, flakes of food stuck themselves all around my mouth and teeth, some of them were washed out by more vomit. Other pieces remained stuck or were joined by other bits of food, my muscles tightened and gave away as my torso constricted itself, wringing itself out like a sponge.

I kept vomiting until I felt like I had emptied everything out inside of me and I could only make wet choking noises. Collapsing against the wall I didn’t even want to look inside the bowl, after drinking several different potions I didn’t want to check the colors. So, I just opted to flush the contents and went to rinse my mouth. But no matter how many times I flushed it out, I swear I could still feel a thin layer of sticky stomach remains in there, I was probably going to have to brush my teeth as least five times tonight.

As I exited the bathroom, I heard a door close at my side and I saw Merula with eye shadow running down in faded streaks on her face, sniffling as she brought up her hand to rub her face with her robes. She turned and saw me I was about to take a step forward and as I racked my brain for something to say she called out to me. “Stay away from me Rico, I don’t need you.”.

Then she took off running no doubt to the Slytherin common room, I could have followed but I was stuck to the floor, the way she sounded just then. I think that’s the first time I heard those words come out of her mouth with just the utter sound of defeat or pain. The only other time I thought I heard anything similar in her voice was when I won over her in the try outs for the frog choir, looking back on that. When I gave my spot to her, I think that was the happiest I ever saw her, as I took the first step heading towards my common room, I wondered how it could have come to this.


	6. meeting her

That night everyone in the common room was quiet, you could just cut the tension with a knife. Hardly anyone spoke, I was at least glad for that. I don’t know how I’d deal with every single Slytherin coming up and asking about our business, already the little fan club of first years and others I saved from the vault was already on my nerves.

Apparently, it wasn’t just Dumbledore who thought the couple who was constantly chasing after the cursed vaults, dueling, or bickering with each other were perfect for each other, or at least by Hogwarts standards we were.

To avoid the whole pony show I just took up a couch and pulled out a book about the care and breeding of kneazles for profit. I figured since I had about seven of them and some of my neighbors were looking to breed their beloved pet before they passed, I might as well make some extra money this summer. Even if we didn’t need it, it’d be nice to have a heavier coin purse.

Thankfully this tactic worked, and nobody bothered me, eventually what little hustle and bustle there was quieted down as everyone went off to bed and I was left alone. I think this was the first time that I was intentionally trying to stay awake, and it was only half working. Of course, the same night I want to avoid sleep is the one where I can’t stop myself from falling asleep.

Soon enough I was drifting in and out of sleep and I gave in. Telling myself that I would take a quick power nap and then wake up, and hopefully tonight Merula would have trouble sleeping, I hoped that she would make the decision to come down here. Just a quick nap, maybe thirty minutes that sounded like enough. Hopefully I’d wake up just as soon as she comes down here, or she wakes me up just to mess with me.

I don’t know how long I slept, but I woke up sometime during the night with a jolt, I could feel the arrowhead cutting through my leg and sinking deep into muscle tissue and twisting. Thrashing about I fell off the bed and knocked into the coffee table, grabbing my leg and wincing I remembered something Merula said.

“It looks like it only hurts you when I’m around”

Just by instinct I whipped around but no one was there, letting out a long-defeated sigh I simply reminded myself that it’s just in my head. It’s all in my head and my leg is just fine. Calling myself stupid for waiting up for her I decided to cut my losses and try to go to bed, and wouldn’t you know it as soon as I got into my sleeping clothes and dropped on top of the sheets.

I couldn’t sleep, just perfect. I passed the time by looking off into the dark waters at a broken structure, no doubt a merperson structure surrounded by tiny pinpricks. They might be merpeople or maybe my sleep deprived brain was just hallucinating them.

Either way, I opted to switch my time out from staring out into the water and at the ceiling, all throughout the night Dumbledore’s warning of not putting things off until tomorrow that you could have gotten done today kept ringing on repeat in my brain. I just had to focus on that, the one piece of information that would keep me up. That was making my heart race and feel as the bottom of it was being squeezed or it was pushing into my stomach, I could almost feel my blood racing through my body.

Don’t put the things off that you can do today for tomorrow, I was going to regret this. I’m not even fully sure that she came back to the common room, if there’s one thing that rings true at Hogwarts it’s that rumors fly faster than fact and people buy into them quickly and jump on the bandwagon. For all I know she could have locked herself into another bathroom, spending the whole night in there crying or worse.

No matter how many times I told myself not to think about her I couldn’t push her out of my mind, all I could do was hope for the best tomorrow. What a loop to be stuck in, nothing could be done about it I thought. So, taking matters into my own hands, I went into my satchel fumbling around, pulling different colored and differently marked flasks out until I found the plain silver one.

Taking a mouthful of sleeping draught, I tossed back the flask and gulped down every drop. I closed my eyes and drifted off into sleep not really dreaming, but I just hoped that it would get me through the night, I knew that I would wake up later, but I hoped I’d get just enough sleep to feel somewhere near rested. But maybe even that was too optimistic, because during the blinks of time when I was dreaming, it was the worst ones I ever had nowhere nearly as bad as the last one but still it made me want to wake up, but I couldn’t.

I woke up like I normally would and began the day, nothing was out of the ordinary. Everything seemed normal, or Hogwarts normal. But when I went to breakfast and walked around asking people if they saw where Merula was, they’d give me a funny look and say there was nobody here with that name. That she was never a student, even when I sought out Dumbledore and Professor Snape, they’d say there never was a Merula.

It was almost as if she blinked out of existence and everybody forgot about her, or it seemed as if she never went to Hogwarts and only, I was aware of this sudden change.

At least the night didn’t last too long, next thing I knew it was morning and I couldn’t be gladder.

I didn’t even bother switching out the clothes I wore from yesterday, after my bath I wore the same thing. No sense in unpacking more than I have too, and at least I could focus on places Merula might be hiding rather than what I was going to wear.

But wherever I asked no matter who, nobody knew where she was. Nobody remembered seeing her all last night, almost as if she didn’t even come back into the common room. Giving up on asking anybody, I searched the castle. Racking my brain for her favorite places or anywhere I thought she could be, I ran. I ran as fast and as hard as I could, my knees rattling from the loud stomps that echoed throughout the hallway as I wheezed. It felt like my heart was going to explode.

Eventually I collapsed on a bench in an empty part of the castle. But I could still hear the excited yells and chatters from students all eager for the summer holidays, planning one last trek to Hogsmeade. Hoping to have time for one last butterbeer, buy one more Zonko’s product. Or just be around their friends for just a few minutes longer before the day ended, and the time they would eventually have to go back home.

Why did it seem like time was against me? No matter where I went, I wouldn’t find her, and I’d just end up wasting more time. I was just wasting my time, soon the day would end, and I’d show nothing for it.

I couldn’t take it anymore, standing up I just felt my heart racing. My heart was beating heavy and hard, I was taking quick breaths, but I still felt like I was going to faint, the sides of my head pulsed and wiggled almost like there were worms or maggots moving underneath my skin. Trying to steady my breaths and my stomach, but it was still just a farce. I reached into my inner jacket pocket and took out a calming draught, screwing the cap off I drank as much as I could making sure I left just enough, before I shoved it back into my pocket.

Thinking clearer now, I told myself I needed some air, maybe after a little walk and fresh air I would be able to focus, I was just hoping that I would get lucky and bump into her. I went out for a walk around the grounds, eventually I decided to walk around the black lake. For some reason whether I was watching the surface or look up through its depths, it always had a calming effect. But beneath it something else, I’m not sure if anyone else felt this.

There was this feeling or calling that seemed to register at the back of my mind only when I looked at the surface that felt like something wanted me to walk straight into the lake and come out the other side.

I pushed my mind away from those thoughts, continuing to walk around until I found myself near the point of the black lake that was the farthest away from Hogwarts. A small spot hidden laying on top of some rocks, hidden by trees.

Just as I arrived there, I heard a small soft voice hidden by the trees say.

“Expecto patronum."

There was a glow of ghostly blueish white light, and then nothing. Again, the voice said.

“Expecto patronum!” this time with a little more force, but still nothing but that same ball of light left the area. The voice then let out a loud and frustrated noise that sounded either like “Ugh!” or “Wurgh!”

I worked hard to control my smile and steady my heart as I saw the short little witch with the messy brown hair that had one orange poof, but still after her stomp any aggression left her body as her head went limp staring at the ground defeated as she fiddled with her wand with two hands, looking at it as if they had an argument and it was giving her the silent treatment. Like I usually do when I feel flustered or get overloaded with excitement all at once I spoke without thinking.

“Practicing magic outside of class, you know that’s a serious offense? You’re lucky I found you before another prefect or professor did.” Whipping around any traces of fear immediately turned into annoyance.

“Rico! You startled me, don’t you know its rude to sneak up on people. And you’ve done magic outside the classrooms numerous times! Besides you have no right stopping me from practicing conjuring up my Patronus, what are you jealous that since I didn’t master mine as quickly as you did when I do discover mine it’ll be better than yours!”

Seeing that I obviously pricked a nerve I decided to back off and apologize, I forgot even when Merula only half succeeded she’d never forgive herself or rest until she could do it on the same level as everyone else or better. She was a perfect Slytherin, but I did think she could drop her pure-blood supremacy talk, not that I cared much anyways about blood purity anyways. Ben and Penny weren’t purebloods, yet they stood alone as natural talents in charms and potions respectively, penny was only a half-blood and Ben was a muggle born but he was full of raw talent.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I forgot how much it meant to you. Do… Do you want some help?”

“No… I need to get this by myself. But I won’t forget about you helping me with this, you’re the reason I even found out that I could conjure up a noncorporal Patronus in the first place… I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.” She scratched at the back of her head looking down and then up at me.

“You know you don’t have to go it alone Merula, I’m here for you, so’s everyone else. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I know but why are you taking a special interest in me? Why are you trying to help me out?”

“Because that’s what friends do for each other Merula, they help each other.”

“You’re one to talk Rico, you’ve been avoiding your little gang of misfits. Usually you don’t go anywhere without at least one of them trailing behind you.” She pointed to me accusingly.

Holding my hands up I retorted with. “Yes, okay maybe I’m guilty of shutting people out too, but at least I’m willing to acknowledge that I can’t keep doing that to people. You on the other hand, you’ve even shut out Ismelda.”

“What I have to deal with is nobody’s business but mine. Besides you probably follow that same way of thinking.” Giving a mischievous grin she rolled her eyes at me.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, I know everything Rico. If there’s anyone here that knows everything about you before everyone else, it’s me.” I let out an exasperated sigh out.

“You’ve admitted to stalking me before Merula, it’s no surprise you’re still doing it. Besides you don’t know everything about me.” My heart picked up its pace, my knee only hurt when she was around but now it was driving me crazy. I could feel my leg buckling.

Her grin melted away into a look of worry as if she knew she painted herself into a corner almost as if she was scared, that I would have another outburst and yell at her, “I know what happened in… that room with the boggart. I followed you on your Prefect patrol.”

“Why would you do that?” I placed my hands on my waist and my chest started to tighten.

“I was already sneaking out that night, when I came across you. Curiosity got the better of me, besides you’re the one that’s been acting stranger lately. Especially later that night when we met up."

“You shouldn’t be following me around Merula, and I’m sorry if I hurt you. By the way why were you walking around the halls at night?” I rubbed my head, I was still upset with myself over how I reacted with her.

“Mind your business, why was your boggart changing into dead versions of me, you, your friends and then that Voldemort version of yourself? And what was with that flask?"

“All I can say is after the vault… and everything else. Things haven’t been great.”

“That doesn’t explain anything. Besides what about the flask what was in it?”

“Stop trying to turn this around on me ok. Tell me what’s really going on with you, let me know what I can do to help.”

“You can help by buzzing off Rico, I don’t need your help, why would I help someone whose not even telling me about himself. Especially something as simple as their boggart?”

“Look Merula, you can’t keep doing this, if you keep deflecting or pushing people away pretty soon there’ll be no one left around who wants to help you.”

“I don’t care! Nobody can help me out except for myself! I can’t rely on anyone I can’t even rely on my own family. There’s no one who cares about me, except me!”

“You’re full of it Merula! There are people here who care about you, who want to help you. “

“If anyone is full of it, it’s you Rico. You just want to help me so you can look better in front of everyone. You don’t care about me, you’re not even telling me anything about yourself, why should I trust you."

“That’s a lie, I do care about you. I wanted to stay with you in the hospital wing, but you kicked me out. I don’t care what other people think, I just want to make sure that you’re okay. You need to talk about what happened in the vault.”

“Maybe I need to refresh your memory… but don’t you remember what happened last time I trusted someone. They were going to leave me for dead, after they performed the Cruciatus curse on me. You have no idea what I’ve been through!”

“You’re right, that’s why I’m asking. I want to know you’re doing okay! You can’t keep all of this bottled up!”

“Stop trying to give me advice you’re not going to follow yourself. Just leave me alone.”

“Look I can’t okay! I can’t! Being there and seeing what that… bitch did to you! I can’t sleep… I can’t eat, I can’t get you out of my head. And before it wasn’t as bad, I looked forward to seeing you, even if I knew you were just going to insult me. But now every time I see you, all I can do is just remember that couldn’t protect you or anyone else. I wasn’t strong enough!”

“You right! You weren’t, you’re the idiot who had to follow his brother and you led us all down to that vault. You’re the one who put me there! You’re the one who trusted Rakepick, you could have gotten us all killed!”

“You don’t think I’ve already beaten myself up about this, it’s all I’ve thought about. It’s all I can think about! And don’t you say it, I can take it if it’s coming from me. But don’t you say it.”

“Why! It’s true you weren’t strong enough and you’ll never be strong enough! You can’t protect any of your stupid friends or me!”

“Dear God, You’re impossible Merula!”

“And you’re insufferable!”

“Why do you care how I’m doing I owe you nothing, you owe me nothing!”

Why did we always do this, every single time we tried to talk we just ended up shooting snide comments at each other, only now were we screaming. Our faces turned red as we shot words at one another. Feeling my chest and face burning red hot I just blurted out.

“Maybe because I fancy you and I care about you! And seeing you like this is killing me and knowing that I can’t help you or couldn’t stop Rakepick is too, and now I’m just reminded about her every time I pull out my wand. She’s the one that got me this replacement and knowing what she did is the worst reminder, I feel more responsible now for what happened to you. Even now I’m not sure if I want to break this wand and get another one or keep it and use it against her, so she knows she made her own downfall and when I’m standing over her, she knows she never should have crossed me.”

I was holding my own wand out in front of my face in a clenched fist, it was so tight that I felt it would snap in my hand.

The two of us just stood there in silence, the only thing that could be heard was our heavy breathing from screaming at each other. I was visibly shaking, I slid my wand back in its sheath but right as I did that, I just wanted to take it out and throw it into the lake. I was just tired of carrying it, but Merula didn’t want to focus on my wand being a gift from her attacker.

“What do you mean you fancy me?” she almost yelled that loud enough to where I think if you were anywhere near the castle, you’d hear it.

“I just fancy you okay! You’re confidant in yourself, you’re smart, you know what you want and you’re the cutest witch here. Besides it’s not like the first time I’ve told you this."

“Stop lying to me! I’ve seen you and Chiara hugging in the great hall or wherever you meet. And the way Penny looks at you. How many girls have you tried this on anyways?”

“There’s nothing between me and Penny! Besides Chiara and I are just friends, I helped her out during our first year and she’s just super grateful. There was nothing more to our hug than that, anything else you see is on your own jealous mind. Besides you’re the one I asked to the celestial ball and you were my first date."

“I don’t believe you! You don’t care about me! You probably just want to humiliate me in front of everyone again. You just want everyone to see us together and then you’ll dump me in front of the whole school. Why do you keep trying to act like a hero! You’re not, none of this would have happened if I never saw your face! Besides you were the one who said in front of the whole school that everyone wanted me gone! And you told everyone about my parents being death eaters and being locked away in Azkaban! Face it nobody wants me here!”

“Well I do! I regret saying that every day, I do want you here! You just need to let that go I was a different person then.”

“Shut up, people don’t change! Just leave me alone, if I had known how much of a nuisance you were going to be, I’d wish I never left the vault, why can’t you just leave me alone.”

At that point I had enough, my heart was already racing from telling her, well more like blurting out to her how I felt. But to see her throw it back in my face, pull up my past mistakes I made before I got to know her, reminding me there was no way I could help or protect her. And telling me that if she had her choice, she’d still be there in the vault was too much to handle.

It seemed like my entire body was turning against me, my legs were about to give out as a feverish feeling rushed over my entire body, yet I still felt cold to the touch. I wanted to vomit, until my lungs and heat stopped shaking and beating rapidly, I felt like I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die, at least all of these feelings would go away then. But then I just remembered what was in my jacket pocket.

Fumbling around for the flask, Merula glared at me with eyes wide open. “What are you fumbling around for idiot? Your stash of firewhiskey?”

As soon as I found the flask, my trembling hands unscrewed the cap only for my limp grip to feel a single twitch and is slipped from my hands, clattering on the floor spilling tiny bits of light blueish silver liquid until it bounced off the rocks and into the lake. There was nothing I could do falling to my knees I grabbed at the flask, but the potion was already tainted, throwing it into the lake I stumbled backwards, Merula tried to take a step towards me but I put out a hand towards her.

“I gotta get out of here, I gotta- I gotta. Oh god I can’t breathe, I-I-I need… “

Before I could answer everything just went black, I went unconscious as my legs buckled the last thing, I saw was the rocks rising towards my face fast and a startled Merula rushing towards me with outstretched arms. I have no idea how long I was out for, but the sun seemed as if it had no intentions of setting any time soon.


	7. making up with merula

Just as I was coming around the first thing I heard was the soft quiet voice that sounded like an angel, if there was a voice that felt like it was the purest form of calming draught and liquid luck mixed together this was it. But I knew the song, it was an old lullaby that my mother used to sing to me, at least she did before Jacob disappeared and before her breakdown where she locked herself in her room in the attic.

Yet I felt as if I heard the voice somewhere in a dream or as if I had trapped an exotic bird in a cage and it spent its days singing.

“When you leave to haunt someone else’s dreams think of me.

Just know I’ll never leave.  
Just know I’ll never leave.  
Just know I’ll never leave.  
Just know I’ll never leave.

Sleep next to me, tell me everything is how it should be”

Opening my eyes, I saw a pair of bright violet eyes with streaked eye shadow running down the sides of a face the color of porcelain. Unable to keep my eyes open for long I felt a hand softly running through my hair, and my head was resting on a lap. It felt like the way a mother would help get her child sleep. I don’t know how long I was in and out of consciousness, but for the first time in a long time I felt safe and at ease. I just wanted to stay like that forever, I can’t remember the last time before this year I felt like I could relax and just lay down and forget about all my troubles.

Reaching up I gave the hand a small squeeze and was surprised to see how warm it was, and in return the small hand gave a squeeze back. I tried sitting up slowly and saw that we were under a large tree, resting up against the trunk of a weeping willow. Touching the side of my head I winced in pain.

“I was worried about you, you hit your head pretty hard. I mean you did hit your head on those rocks.” Looking at Merula I saw her resting on her knees, her shirt collar was messy and her tie missing, it was weird to see that she wore her robes on a free day. Feeling the right side again, I realized she had wrapped her tie around my head, it was sticky and caked with dried blood.

“Thanks.” I grimaced as the waves of pain started to attack me.

“Don’t forget Rico, you owe me a new tie.” Her eyes shifted from mine and away, as if she was nervous about me hearing her sing, or that she showed how worried she was, and I would make fun of her for it.

“I’ll be sure to get on that, where’d you hear that song Merula? Just curious, because you sung it pretty well.”

“My mum… it’s one of the lullabies she used to sing to me before bed. Before she was arrested and sent away to… Azkaban.”

She told me plenty of times about her parents and how their loyalty to Voldemort got them arrested, but I was surprised to learn what kind of person her mum was. Not only was she the one who taught her how to sing and inspired her to join the frog choir, but she was also the caring mother who sung the same songs to her that my own mum did.

“My mum… she used to sing me the same song. Before Jacob disappeared. You know I’ve never told anyone about this.”

“Well… if there’s one more thing you’d tell me that you haven’t told anyone else about… why are your flasks filled with calming draught?” I let out a slight chuckle after she asked me.

“Look at me Merula… look how sickly I’ve become. Parts of my hair are turning white, I can’t sleep or eat. I’ve lost a lot of weight, the only way I can even manage a few hours of sleep is by drinking sleeping draught. I- I’ve just been so tired and stressed, all I can think about is everything that could have happened in the vault. The only way I’ve been able to stay sane or near it is to be taking in a steady supply of calming draught.” I moved my hand in front of my eyes, trying to rub away and tears that could be attempting to escape.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d take it this hard.”

“I’m just sorry Rakepick chose to hurt you over me.”

“You don’t mean that, but I get what you’re trying to say. You know, that hair. It looks good on you. But you could do without the tired eye circles look though.” She smirked and gave my uncut temple a light brush, stroking me hair. Taking her hand and laying it on my knee I smiled.

“I’ll keep that in mind. But listen about me telling you, that I-“ I gently grasped her hand in mine.

“I’m- I’m glad you said it.”

“What?”

Blushing nervously, she crossed her arms over her chest and began playing with her fingers. “I actually fancy you too Rico. It’s why I was so happy and surprised when you asked me to be your celestial ball date and when you asked me to be your first date. Just to let you know, those were some of the best nights that I’ve had in a long time. I was just afraid to let you know, and then when you never asked me to another date or dance, I started to wonder if you really felt the same way. And when I saw you and Chiara, I just lost all hope.”

Rubbing my eyes and letting out a big sigh, “I’m sorry Merula. I should have made more of an effort, I thought I made it clear when I told you how I felt in the library. We could have spared ourselves a couple of bad days, maybe we’d even make ourselves stronger being together. Who knows we could have become Hogwarts’ most powerful couple by now.”

“There’s still time for that.” Taking my hand in both of hers she leaned forward, her eyes gleamed with excitement but turned back into a look of worry.

“Don’t be mad Rico, but when you were out. I wanted to see your acromantula scar I just remembered the one you fought when we searched the forbidden forest for Beatrice. I was just curious what one of those could do to someone and I saw your arms. Why are you doing this to yourself?” Yanking my left sleeve down to the elbow she revealed the two grape sized circles in my arm along with the several burn welts, her look of anger had more hints of concern than it usually had. The burn on my left palm looking slightly infected seemed to stare back at me like a red diseased eye, accusing me of hurting two people.

She wasn’t mad at me just for no reason or for some other petty one, she was mad at me for hurting myself. Before I answered her, I thought to myself if she hadn’t brought it up… if she hadn’t tried to see my scar would I have brought it up to her attention by myself.

“You know, I used to think I had a reason. That I did it to myself so I could feel in control. To calm myself down, or maybe to punish myself to remind myself that I still need to get stronger. Because who knows what could happen next time. But really… I don’t know why I do it.”

“If you think that doing this!” she said lifting up my wrist making sure I got a perfect view, “If you think that doing this is going to help you at all, then you’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever met. You need help Rico, and you need to stop this! Please, because now that I see this. I wish I let you help me. This is on us both, I’m sorry for pushing you away to where you thought hurting yourself could help.”

“Don’t blame yourself, it’s my fault. I made the choice to burn myself.”

“Rico, if we’re going to be together then this needs to stop. I won’t stay with you if you’re just going to hurt both of us by doing this. Promise me you’ll never hurt yourself again.”

“I promise Merula.”

“If I knew how, I’d make you partake in the unbreakable vow with me to hold you to it.”

“I got the feeling you’d say that. But I promise, I won’t do it ever.”

“Swear it to me.”

“I swear.” With that her scowl towards me slowly turned into a half smile, she scooted towards me until she was shoulder to shoulder with me.

“So, I guess this means you and I are a couple now Rico.”

Letting out a soft chuckle I said, “I guess it does.”

“That means we tell each other things about ourselves right, and since you know more about me than I know about you. I think you should tell me some things about yourself.”

I swallowed a small golf ball lump in my throat, “You know, what I tell you Merula. It has to stay between us, and what I tell you no one knows about.”

Letting out a shaky breath I thought I should start at the beginning.

“I know you think that I’d have an ideal home life, but I don’t. My dad’s been dead for a while, I don’t remember that much about him. All I know is that during the first wizarding war he acted as a double agent trying to spy on Voldemort, but he was caught. Nobody’s ever seen him since.”

“I’m sorry Rico, I didn’t know. So, no clue what happened to him… none at all?”

“No, I mean there were rumors that I guess my mum must have heard, but she never let me know. If anything, I think that’s what led to her having a breakdown. But even then, what little I do remember about him if anything, is more bad than good. The worst thing she did though was lock herself away from me and my brother, she had her good days and bad days. Where she would come down from the attic and take care of us but for the most part, she just worried about us. A lot of duties fell on both of us, and then Jacob disappeared now everything falls on me.”

“Well she’s still around right, she must care.”

“She does care, maybe too much. But it’s like living with a ghost, I hardly see her anymore now. All she does is stay up there in the attic brewing potions and other medicines, not just for me but for anyone if they can pay her. I mean we’re well off anyways, but I think she just likes to stay busy.”

“So, she’s where you get all those potions?”

“Yeah she’s my supplier. Only a caring mother would slave for hours a day to help her child anyway she could.”

“So, it’s just you then?”

“I mean I’m not totally alone. I still have my kneazles to keep me company. But I feel like things are okay.”

“Is there anything else you want me to know Rico?” She fiddled with my fingers, in a way it helped relax me knowing she wasn’t judging me, and she seemed concerned about me she just wanted to help me as much as I wanted to help her.

“That’s it, I just wanted you to know that. Like I said Merula, no one knows about this except you. So, can you just keep this between us two?”

“If it means that much to you yes. It means a lot that you shared this with me Rico, I’m glad you can trust me.”

“I just want you to know Merula, whenever I’m around you. It’s like all the problems of the world go away.”

“You know there’s a line where you just start to sound really cheesy Rico.”

“But the good kind of cheese, right?” I gave her a playful smirk while I rubbed her little bit of orange fluff.

Moving her head from under my hand she looked at me and said, “Yes, it’s the good kind.”

For a while we just sat in silence staring at the lake, letting the world go by our eyes. Pretty soon it grew late into the afternoon, we sat under this tree for who knows how many hours, yet it just felt like a few minutes. She was the first to get up, “You know how we can trust each other, and how we’re supposed to share things with each other Rico.”

“Yes, that’s the kind of things people in a relationship do.”

“So, are we officially going to be a couple?”

“I mean… we both like each other. And we clearly care for one another and like spending time together, we already kind of said it anyways.”

“Alright, if that’s the case then there’s something I’d like to show you. But not here, later tonight. Meet me in the common room after bedtime and I’ll show you why I’ve been sneaking out at night.”

“No hint until then?” I asked standing up, pulling her near me.

“You’ll just have to wait until tonight.” She pulled me closer wrapping her arms around my torso, resting her ear against my chest no doubt hearing my racing heart. I just rested my chin on the crown of her head taking in her intoxicating smell of cloves and polish, yet still to this moment I couldn’t place what that other mysterious scent was.

My arms around her shoulders I gave her a small peck on the top of her head, her smiled beamed brighter, pulling away slightly she looked up at me. I didn’t realize that she was slightly shorter than me. “Promise you’ll meet me tonight?”

“I promise Merula.”

“Promise that we’ll be together forever, and you’ll never let me push you away again.”

“Yeah, there’s no way I’m letting you try and get rid of me.”

She stood the tip toes of her black boots and gave me a quick deep hug. “I’ll see you tonight.” Giving my arms a slight rub as they fell from around my neck she started to walk away, I just leaned against the tree content with watching her leave, but then she stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me.

“Hey, where’d you put my denim jacket by the way?” it was only now that I realized I had just been wearing my flannel and a shirt underneath it.

She rushed over to me, “Here, I set it here. I just needed a little extra padding while I sat beside you, the rocks were a little unconfutable.”

As she held it in her hand towards me, I took it, but then immediately wrapped it around her so it rested on her shoulders. “I want you to keep it Merula. So even if I’m not with you, you can just wear this and know that I have your back. No matter what.”

“No matter what, are you sure Rico?” she asked grabbing the collar a little extra tighter as if she were afraid someone would rip it away from her, “I’m sure.”

“Rico if you were to break your wand. What type of wood would you want it to be?”

“I don’t know, maybe Yew.”

“I feel like that would fit you now at least.

She turned to continue walking, but again she stopped. Turned to face me and smiled, it was the same smile she gave me at Christmas time, pulling out her wand she uttered only two words with a wave of her wand. “Expecto Patronum.”

A brilliant large glow of blue and white light shot out of the tip, only this time it took a shape at first, I only saw the legs and the body, but then I saw a pair of wings. At first, I thought it was a flying horse like animal but then I saw that two of its legs ended in sharp talons like a bird and it head the head of an eagle. It was a hippogriff, Merula’s Patronus was a hippogriff, it flew around the two of us screeching and flapping its strong wings, then it vanished.

“I did it! I did it! Rico look my Patronus, it’s a hippogriff! What do you think it means?”

She was almost squealing in a high pitch tone I didn’t know she was capable of. “You know I’m not sure what it means but I think I can see why you got a hippogriff.”

“Why? Tell me please!”

“You both kind of have frumpy looking hair on the tops of your heads.”

She turned bright red at that commitment, her eyes trying to look up at her hair.

“But it does look good on you though.” My snickering made her blush even more.

“Whatever you’re just jealous that my Patronus is cooler than your leopard Rico, admit it.”

“Fine I’m jealous.” I smiled softly at her, she beamed brightly at me before holstering her wand and running off for the castle, holding my jacket close to her chest. I started to walk off slowly taking off her tie from around my head, before sticking it in my jeans pocket and thought to how proud she looked when she conjured up her Patronus. No doubt she’d brag to anyone who’d listen about her conjuring up a hippogriff and how this would confirm that she was indeed the most powerful witch at Hogwarts.

I just wondered what she wanted to show me. Rubbing away tiny dried flakes of blood off the side of my head I wasn’t sure I wanted to wait, but sometimes waiting is worth it.


	8. the suprise

I had a hard time convincing Madam Pomfrey that I just happened to have a slip and fall, but eventually she stopped pestering me and wrapped a bandage around my head, leaving me walking around the castle with a massive wad of gauze puffing out against the right side of my head.

I didn’t see Merula at dinner, my guess was that she was busy showing off her Patronus to Ismelda or maybe she was getting ready for whatever surprise she was planning to show me later tonight. But, for the first time in what seemed like forever I was at least able to hold down some food, even if my insides were shaking like jelly from the excitement. My friends didn’t ask me much, in fact they seemed a little relieved to see me looking happier, nobody asked what was the cause for my change of mood. They were just happy that I was looking a little healthier, even Ben seemed to be getting better, he’s gotten the courage to get out of his house room and has been wanting to talk in private.

Slowly but surely the curse breakers seem to be adjusting a little, even Bill seems a little excited to leave Hogwarts and start his career, but I can see hints of sadness in him. I wondered how I would handle things when it was my time to leave Hogwarts. I have around two more years, sixth and seventh, I wondered what would happen in those years. But even though it seemed like they were just around the corner, I just hoped that day didn’t come too fast.

Finally, dinner was over, and everyone retired back to their common rooms, and from there everything seemed to go by faster. Most of the younger students went off to bed, only a few of the older ones stayed behind to lounge in the common room talking about plans for the summer holidays and what new things they would end up learning next year, and of course there was the occasional student who would come up to me asking if the rumors of me being an Animagus were true, or if I could either help them become one as well or teach them to conjure a Patronus.

I tried my best to deny anything relating to my Animagus abilities but as for the Patronus, it was my duty as a prefect to keep the students sharp and help with their learning. Besides I figured if I was able to teach at least a few fellow Slytherins how to conjure up a Patronus and show the magical prowess of Slytherin house we would surely win next year’s house cup, and I was getting tired of having to pull the entire house for the win. And hopefully if I did this Snape would have to acknowledge what a credit to our house I was and award us a nice amount of house points.

After a few promises of secret lessons and advise those wanting to learn it left talking ecstatically about what happy memories they would use or what form their animal could possibly be, some of them seemed so sure of what it would appear as.

Soon enough, everyone else went off to bed but all I did was just change clothes and then head back down, I lost track of time and might have dozed off a few times while waiting for Merula. Just when it seemed as if I had fallen asleep with no chance of me waking up, I felt someone shake my shoulder until my head snapped and I saw an eager smiling Merula wearing a thin black long-sleeved shirt and black shorts with green trimming.

“Were you really going to sleep all night, even knowing we had plans?”

“Are you kidding me? I was just resting my eyes. I wouldn’t miss what you planned for us for the world.”

“Well come on, we have a long night ahead of us and I don’t want us to get caught.”

“So, are you going to finally tell me how you’ve been sneaking out of here and eluding me somehow?” thinking back to the night with the boggart when I was coming back into the room, I was now almost certain that I didn’t trip over myself. Now I can say for certain that Merula had something to do with that.

“Look at this, I found it locked away in a trunk in my father’s study.”

She made a pinching motion on the empty side of the couch, and in one fluid motion she wrapped herself in something and then she was nothing more than a floating head grinning ear to ear. “No way! You have an invisibility cloak?”. I’ve only read about them in books but to see one up close was not doing it justice.

“Well, if you’ve seen the Snyde family vault at Gringotts you would understand how we could afford something like this.”

“So how long have you had that here?”

“Just the last two years, now come on enough with the questions. I don’t want you to miss this.”

Throwing the cloak over us both Merula led us down the hallways, avoiding anything that sounded like footsteps or if she got any feelings we’d stop or take an alternate path. How many times has she done this? But soon we arrived at a plain stone wall with a single wooden door, with no light sources near except for the moonlight making its way through the windows.

“Here we are.” She whispered giving my hand a little squeeze, I could tell her heart was leaping in her chest. As we entered through the threshold, I saw nothing but an empty room, with a large ornate mirror standing in the corner, as soon as the door closed behind us and the lock clicked, I asked her. “You wanted to show me a mirror?”

“Here I thought you had more brains than that Rico. I swear Barnaby could guess what this mirror does before you could, you’re such an idiot.” She snickered at the last bit.

“Yeah but I’m your idiot, right?” Throwing off the cloak, she smiled at me. All her features seemed to glow in the moon light.

“Yes, you are, can I talk to you about something serious first?” Her voice turned from joyful to worrisome.

“Sure, whatever you want to ask, just ask.”

“What’s the deal with your boggart? Why did it change into dead versions of me, you and your friends? And what’s with the Voldemort version of yourself? And… all those things you said to it. What did you mean by them, and that you know what to do and how to stop it.”

“The truth is Merula, I’m not really sure if I’m ready to talk about it. But I can let you in on some stuff, the rest of it… I’m just not ready to share, with anyone.”

“Okay I wish that you’d tell me more, I’d like to think you could tell me anything. But I’ll take anything, I don’t want to pry and argue with you. I want both of us to get past that.”

I let out a long sigh of relief, I gave her a smile and a silent thanks. I’m glad she was past the point of trying to wring information out of me, that she’d let me share at my own pace. I just wasn’t sure about what I wanted to share. If anyone saw it and thought about the things the boggart showed me long enough surely, they’d decipher what was going on in my head.

“Merula… I am just so scared of death. I’m afraid of you dying, my friends, myself. I just can’t get it out of my head, sure I’ve faced plenty of dangers. But that last vault… that was the first time that I was confronted with the chance that… we could die. And now I can’t think about anything else.”

“But why are you so afraid Nathan? We’ve seen so many ghosts here at Hogwarts, and they even have proof about there being something after, they just didn’t have the courage to move on.”

“But even then, how do we know? And what is there even after all this?”

I began walking around and waving my arms frantically, running my hands through my hair.

“This is all I know Merula, I just can’t get past not being here. Or in my own body, besides we really know nothing about what’s after this, if it’s good or bad. If everyone we know will be there or if we each have our own private thereafter and we are just there with memoires of our loved ones or how we wish they were. Or maybe we just are born again and have to live our lives all over again. Going through the same motions and the same choices, eternal recurrence forever, maybe we’ve already died and are just on life number one million or something! Maybe we’ve already done this, and we’re just on another turn going round the same point in a life we already lived!” I was almost out of breath, my chest was tightening it felt good to have someone to vent to and drain everything that was in my head. But what I said and the rate I said it at must have shocked her because her eyes were as wide as saucers.

“Wow… that is a lot to carry. You are far more complicated than the you let on Nathan.”

“Understatement of the year, I bet you think I’m just messed up. Don’t you?”

“Nathan… we all have our own fears. We all have our own things to deal with, and you’re not messed up. You’re just scared, it’s okay. If you’re not afraid of things, then you’re not human. You just have to learn to get past your fears.” She walked over to me rubbing my shoulder. “Death, Nathan is just one more thing we people have to face… even wizards die, eventually. It’s not like you can do anything against it, it’s just life. And like it or not eventually we’re going to have to say goodbye, to each other and everyone else we know. Either they’re leaving us or we’re going to leave them.”

I knew what she wanted to ask me about. if I wanted, I could see inside her mind, I could just use legilimency to see her thoughts, but I wouldn’t do that not to her. I knew she wanted to ask me about why the boggart changed into a Voldemort version of myself that had trinkets and mementos from his friends and why it had her necklace. Something in my face gave it away but still I’m not sure if there ever was a way, I was going to be ready to talk about that.

“Is there anything else you’d want to tell me Nathan?”

“Maybe later, there’s still something that I want to share with you. And I trust you, and I like you. I really like you, but I’m still not ready to share that one last thing.”

She knew what I meant she saw it. She probably didn’t know how much thought I gave about the dark lord and myself, and since I covered my tracks well and kept it hidden there was no way she knew about my book. At least I hoped she didn’t have an idea about it.

She gave me a tight hug, and whispered something that sounded like “It’s okay, whenever you’re ready.” And then she pulled away and stared into my eyes, “You ready for the surprise? Here stand right here, and I’m sure it’ll work. I think only one person can use it at a time.”

Taking me to the edge of the mirror, just barely out of sight so I wasn’t reflected she turned my head and eagerly stepped in front of it.

“Do you see them?” she glanced at her reflection and at me trying to see my reaction, “See who, Merula?”

“My parents, they’re right there in the mirror. There’s my parents and they’re standing behind me, they’re smiling, and their dark marks are nothing but scars. I’m head girl, captain of the quidditch team, lead singer for the frog choir and I’m holding the house cup… and you’re there as well.” Shuffling her feet nervous she looked back at me but seeing my confusion her smile and bright eyes slowly melted into disappointment as her head slumped down.

“You can’t see them… can you?” she looked back up at me, I could see two faint streams of tears about to flow from her eyes, they were shining like lines of silver in the moonlight.

Walking over to her and letting her rest her head on my shoulder, I didn’t say anything. “I really thought you’d be able to see them, I wanted to show you what they’re like… or how I wish they were like. I’m not sure if this is all set-in stone and if I’ll set them again. But I just want them here… I just want them to be proud of me, I’m tired of living alone at home, with no one around, I wish they never joined Voldemort.” She pulled me in closer, breaking down into a soft sob.

“I guess this stupid mirror just shows you what will make you feel better. You think I’ll ever see my parents again, Rico?” pulling her head back she looked at me, her violet eyes pleading for some semblance of hope, what could I say. The only person I knew who had a short stay in Azkaban was Jane the old Hufflepuff prefect, but I don’t even know what she did. I doubt whatever it was, was anywhere near the seriousness of being a loyal servant to Voldemort.

“I’m not sure Merula, but I’m positive that if they saw you now. They’d be as proud of you as they look in that mirror. Besides who’s to say what the future holds, I’m sure you’d be the best Slytherin seeker ever…”

Just as I was about to ask her something she broke away from the hug, sniffling and rubbing her eyes. “Your turn, just… don’t tell anyone about it please. I’d like this to be our secret… and if you tell anyone about me crying, I’ll…”

“Hit me with the knockback jinx?”

Her smile crept back, “Am I really that predictable?”

Standing aside she shuffled me in front of the mirror, trying to clear my head or focus on what would make me happy, or whatever I thought I could want most in the world my mind wandered to what exactly this mirror was. And how it was enchanted, how it found its way here and how Merula found it. Looking back at Merula she leaned against the edge of the mirror, smiling at me. “You’re not going to see the mirror if you keep looking at me, idiot.”

She walked around me, trying to get out of my eye line. “So, is that just your pet name for me now?”

“If the name fits.” She giggled, it was nice to see her like this again, happy. I just wished she could always be in brighter spirits, if I could I wished I had a time turner and could go back… make her parents not join Voldemort’s forces, give her the happy childhood she deserves. I’d happily spend the rest of my life in Azkaban when I got back if it meant she’d be happy, if I did that would she even know what I’d done… would she even know I existed?

“Hey, step out of the way you said if there’s any more than one person in the mirror it won’t show you what you want.”

“If you looked behind you, you’d see that I’m not in the mirror.” Whipping my head back, I saw that she wasn’t lying, turning back towards the mirror I saw myself and Merula in the mirror again. Only we looked a little older, and she was wearing a small black dress and I was wearing a slim black suit. She was still just a little shorter than me, but her hair looked more styled like it was on our date, I had a furrowed brow and thin smile lines at the corner of my cheeks and around my eyes.

My hair still retained its thick bed head look (thankfully!) except for the temples they were shaven down and almost completely white, and there were three little kids hiding behind Merula’s dress. All our other friends were in there too, each one looking a little older in their own way, but everyone still seemed happy, it even looked like Barnaby and Ismelda became a couple as well. In small little ways we all looked a little rough, no doubt tiny consequences of dealing with the cursed vaults or just old age catching up with us.

I was just a little disappointed to see Jacob was missing from the group.

“So, what do you see?

“I see us… and all my other friends. I see you and me with kids, you’re wearing a wedding dress. It looks like I put on the age for both of us. You look happy and content, it looks like we have our own little potion and alchemy shop. And all of us live together in our own little village. Just our Hogwarts friends.”

“So, you see us together? That does sound nice, especially knowing that you’re going to be the one that puts on the age for both of us. Rico, do you really think that whatever this mirror shows us is… possible? Do you think that we could do that?”

For a single moment, I just wanted to keep still, just stand there forever staring into the mirror, not even wanting to blink. It seemed that the longer that I stared into it the more real it became, as long as I just stood here whatever was in the mirror would still be there. But in the back of my head I heard a voice telling me to walk away from it, whatever the mirror was showing me wasn’t real. I could make it real though couldn’t I… there could be a chance of me having this life, but why couldn’t I look away? Maybe I was too afraid, afraid of if I left the mirror’s sight, this wouldn’t work out. At that point if I tried and failed, I couldn’t blame anyone but myself, but in the mirror I’d see anything and everything I could ever want, but if I did that… my whole life or any life I could live would just pass me by. Was it worth it? To take that chance and go for it, or would I just stand still right here… forever.

“Rico?”

Her voice pulled me away from the mirror and a wave of relief came over me.

“Honestly? I have no idea Merula. If we want a shot at that kind of life, it’d be a lot of work, from both our ends. But I’m willing to try it you are.”

“Well if you’re in, so am I then.”

“I wanted to ask you something earlier. If- if you hate living at home by yourself so much, or you just get lonely. You could spend the summer at my house if you want, I’m sure my mum wouldn’t mind. She might even like having someone else in the house, and I live in a small wizarding village in the woods. So, we could practice magic and other stuff, and I have like seven kneazles. You know, so if that’s an offer you’d be interested I just wanted to put it on the table.”

“Are you asking me if I want to move into your house?”

“I mean just for the summer or maybe a little more time if you want. I know that your aunt doesn’t visit you all the time… I also know about the letters. I know that you’re scared of some wizard or witch who was wronged by your parents going after you. No one really knows where I live, so you’d be safe.”

“I’d have to think about it… no one’s asked me anything that serious before.”

“Take all the time you’d need, we still have a few days until school ends.”

“Um- Rico aren’t underaged witches and wizards forbidden to use magic outside of school? Can’t we get expelled for doing that?”

“Wow, I never thought I’d see the day where the great and powerful Merula Snyde would be afraid to show off her magic prowess. Besides whenever have you let something get in your way of honing your skills?”

“Well not if it means getting expelled and the chance that I could lose my wand!”

“I mean there are ways around the law, besides an all wizarding village in the woods, only wizarding family members live in the house. No one would know, besides I’m sure most powerful couple in Hogwarts could find their way around a trace charm.” I gave her a smile and a reassuring shoulder rub, “Actually maybe by now my mum has come up with something, no promises. But if the letters come, we’ll stop, and we can just do book learning. I’d rather spend the summer with my nose in a book with you rather than see you lose your wand”

“Well it would be a fun way to spend the summer, who knows maybe you could even teach me all that non-verbal magic you were doing when you showed all that furniture who’s boss.” She smiled shifting around, maybe imagining what kind of duelist she could be once she mastered nonverbal magic. “Who knows maybe next year when we come back, we’ll have mastered wandless magic, everyone even Dumbledore would have to acknowledge our skill then.”

I gave the mirror one last look, but whatever was in the mirror was gone, it was just me and Merula with her arms behind her back shuffling her feet shyly.

“Rico… I just wanted to say, I know that I can be a lot sometimes and that… I’m not always open about how I feel and how things are, and I know you aren’t either. I just want to say thank you, it means a lot to me that you didn’t give up. You think I can have another turn in the mirror… I just don’t want to forget what they look like.”

Stepping aside I let Merula in front of the mirror, she sat down cross legged. After staring into the mirror, she slowly grew a smile but there must have been a change in what she saw because her face turned serious again.

“I wish they were here with me. I wish they could see us. I like to think that they’d like you. Rico, can you promise me that you won’t leave me? No matter what I say to you.”

“I promise Merula, no matter what.”

“Can you promise that you’ll always be there for me, that you’ll have my back no matter what comes our way if I have yours?”

“You know it, we’re stronger together… I mean we fought a troll together.”

“Please can you just say it?”

Plopping down next to her and grasping both of her hands in mine, she shivered at first, I quickly apologized for my hands being colder than the cursed ice, no idea why they were like that. Looking deep into her eyes I said. “Merula I promise I’ll be there for you whenever you need me, whatever problems we face we’ll face them together.”

“Can you look me in the eye and seriously tell me that you care about me Rico?”

“I do care about you Merula, I’m not sure how I can show you. But all I can do is tell you and hope you understand me when I say this. Merula… I truly care for you.”

She smiled and scooted closer to me, taking one of my arms and wrapped it around her shoulders. “Can it just stay like this? I don’t want this night to end, it feels like a good dream and I’m scared that tomorrow when I wake up, things will be back to the way they were with us at each other’s throats.”

“Well if it helps… I’m willing to stay up all night with you.”

“All night?”

“Yes Merula, all night.”

“If I wanted to say that I wanted to be with you forever, what would you say?”

“I’d look you in the eye, kiss your forehead” She closed her eyes as I moved forward and kissed the center of her forehead. “And ask, just forever?” she started to blush intensely from that, her cheeks burned so brightly I swear I could feel heat coming off them.

“If we got married like you saw… do you think that’d I be a good mother Rico?”

“You wanna know how I’m positive that you’d be a good mother? It’s because you lost yours and know what it’s like to not have one when you need her, sure at first you might stumble and not know everything that you should do. But you know how lonely and scary the world is without parents, there’s no way you’d let your child see how that feels. You’d always be there for them because no one was there for you.”

“If I ever have kids Rico, I’d like you to be their father. Even if they were adopted I’d want to raise them with you, you care for others. You may not always know what to do but I see you try and help others before yourself, I think that’s the way a father should be. Can you promise me that we’ll love each other forever?”

I let out a light snicker, it was more out of embarrassment or surprise I just hoped that she didn’t take it the wrong way. “Wow, already on love, are we?”

“Shut up… we have some feeling close to love for each other, don’t we?”

“I guess we do Merula. I think saying it was just the last box to check.”

“Can I hear you say it then?”

I kissed the side of her head, her messy hair finding its way up into my nose.

“I love you Merula.”

“You didn’t answer me though… do you think we’ll love each other forever?”

“How long again?”

“Forever, Rico. I said it like three times already idiot.”

“Hey be nice, or I’ll have Snape take away house points from you for bullying a student.”

“Knowing him he’ll probably give me house points for bullying you.” We both laughed at the thought.

“Yes, I can see us loving each other forever.”

“No matter what?” she asked pulling away slightly, readjusting so she was on her knees facing me eye to eye.

“I’ll tell you once more Merula. I’ll love you forever, and nothing can change that.”

She only asked “Forever?” again once more, I knew why she was asking me. She was hoping the more times she asked and the more times I answered it would be etched into our memories, so we’d never forget it. So, we couldn’t forget it but another part of me was wondering how many times has she been told she was loved. How many times did her mother tell her that she was loved, what about her father or even her aunt?

It was probably so alien for her to hear that, that she needed to hear it so many times so she wouldn’t forget it. I didn’t mind humoring her, I just wished that there was someone else out there who cared enough for her the same way I did. Who told her she was loved and worth something. But I guess we chose each other to love and reaffirm each other’s existences, my own mother has said she loved me, but I never felt much from it. But to hear her say it, I got a new feeling from it.

“Rico, Forever?”

At that moment there was only one word I could think of to say to her.

“Always.”

With that any look of doubt, fear, rejection, or sadness was wiped away from her face. She gave me her tiny tight lipped smile, her eyes glistened with tears of happiness as she wrapped her arms around me tighter than ever before burying her head into my chest, the harder she pulled me in the harder I pulled her in, I don’t know how long we sat there hugging in the dark.

But eventually she started to snore softly, instead of waking her up I picked her up and using her cloak I snuck us back into the Slytherin common room, just as we entered the door she began to stir, in between yawns she asked. “Where are we?”

“Back in the common room, you started to fall asleep back there.”

“You know, I’m actually really tired for once I feel like I can sleep a whole night and not wake up. But I don’t want to go to sleep."

“Me too, for the first time in a long time I feel the same way.”

We walked each other hand in hand until it was time for us to go into our separate dorms, packing the cloak under her arm she gave my hand one last firm squeeze, I guess she must have gotten used to my yeti hands or maybe it was because her hands burned like fire.

“No use in stopping it I guess, good night Rico. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I stood in place, watching her walk away and just as she was almost out of my sight she turned around and asked. “Always?”

I could only smile back and say “Always.”, right back to her. With that she disappeared, I walked off tiptoeing to my bed past the snoring and wheezing boys, some of them busy making massive damp pools of drool next to their heads. I didn’t bother changing clothes kicking off my shoes, I just fell onto the top sheet, wrapping myself up in the fleece blanket. Laying my head over my arm I stared at the ceiling, not wanting to sleep but feeling the most tired I’ve ever been.

Eventually I stopped fighting and my eyes shut by themselves, a small smile on my face wandering what tomorrow would bring, what would the summer or my life after Hogwarts could bring. At least until those days came, I could dream what they’d be like.


End file.
